Another sporting view of Stuttering

March 17, 2015 by

When you see a professional athlete, what do you see? (Aside from the occasional mistake, of course). We see performance at a high level. For play after play, game after game, season after season.

What do we think when we see a seasoned public speaker? The confidence, the eye contact, the message, the audience connection. It’s also performance at a high level.

Now think about how many professional athletes there are. And how many really good public speakers there are. Not many, right? We know by now that we can’t do even half the things a professional athlete can do. But can we still enjoy sport with our family and friends? Of course. Are you bothered when you can’t throw a football 50 yards or crush a baseball past the outfield wall? Probably not.

Shouldn’t it be the same for speaking? Why do we see people on television and think we need to be that eloquent and strong and fluent? Hardly anybody else is. The next time you hear someone fluent at work during a meeting, listen to their hesitations, their fillers. They’re all over the place. Are they bothered? Likely not. So when we’re not having the most fluent of days, should we really be comparing ourselves to such a high standard? Definitely not.

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A sporting view of Stuttering

March 15, 2015 by

I was watching soccer last night (no, I’m not going to call it football) and inevitably the commentators will focus on a single play (or less than a half dozen) and say the game came down to those plays, those decisions.

Did it really? Isn’t it the sum of the parts?

I understand what they’re doing — they tell us about what made the most noise, what seemed to have the most influence. The penalty in the box, the no-call that everybody but the ref saw. And for days afterward (if it’s a championship game) we’ll all talk about those same few plays.

With stuttering it tends to be the same. Our game is the entire conversation, but we usually only focus on our one big block, our one huge moment that a word just wouldn’t come out. We were having a half-decent speaking day, and then a miserable moment put us down.

But speaking shouldn’t be like that. It should be the sum of the parts. Do some players have a bad day? Yeah, ok. Every time they’re on the field they screw something up. But even with professionals, they occasionally make mistakes. Then what? The best players don’t let it bother them. They move on to the next minute, the next series, the next half of play.

We need to do the same.

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Looking back – 3, 6 and 9 months

March 9, 2015 by

I thought I’d take a quick look back at what was going on with my stuttering 3, 6 and 9 months ago.

Three months ago:

Stuttering Life Changes

What I can say is that based on some “lessons learned,” the first few weeks are going to be fraught with some fear and uncertainty. Meeting new people, learning a new process, and navigating a new city will all take me out of my comfort zone.

Yep, definitely lived up to the hype. But I’m trying to be more even-keeled about it since I know it’s happening. I’ve already noticed slight improvements in some meetings with my speech (and lousy speech in others, still).

Six months ago:

Your Stuttering Theories

Before the stutter, we imagine what horrible things are going to happen to us if we stutter and if we are found out. But that’s just a theory. And theories should be tested.

Ah yes, my talk with Dr. Weidig. I remember it well. And am still trying to live by his straightforward advice — you have a life-ending vision of what your stutter will do? Well, let’s find out if it’s really going to be that bad!

Nine months ago:

Tales of the Stuttering Ambush

The meeting gets started, and it’s just another staff meeting. Going through what work is happening now, and what work is coming up. Then the boss remembers, and …
“Oh, I almost forgot, we have a visitor from one of our offices. He’ll be here for two weeks doing …”

Ah yes, the ambush. Work, lunch, social events. Hasn’t happened to me at lunch recently, but it did happen during a meeting. I got put on the spot to explain some things on a presentation. I was a bit of a mess (understatement). I got through it though. I need to be better prepared, really.

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A link to the solution

March 8, 2015 by

I obviously owe everybody a link roundup. Until then you can read this great piece over at diaryofastutterer.

I have for some time urged others to at least attempt to see the little glimmers of hope that do occasionally shine through. Like flowers rising from the soil for the first time in spring, hope is always attempting to rise above the ground that is holding it back. These past two weeks have pushed me to my limits, as do most weeks.

I really enjoy the positive feedback loop he talks about. It’s something I’ve been trying to do more and more. Don’t focus on the negative. Those of us who stutter will find that we can be fluent, and we can be effective communicators at times.

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What I’m Stuttering on Lately

March 8, 2015 by

A few quick things that I’m stuttering on a lot these days.

1. Last week I had a workshop for work. So I was telling a few people that I’d be out of the office for this workshop. And of course I stuttered all over workshop. So I’d occasionally call it a “thing,” or “conference” or whatever else I could muster.

2. I have a colleague whose name I can barely say without stuttering every time. This is pretty rough considering how closely we have to work together every day. It’s really bad because I can say the first syllable but then get stuck on the second. The alternative is just to get up from my desk and walk over to his — it’s about 20 feet away.

3. I’ve moved to Al Khobar from Yanbu. I lived in Yanbu for four years, and have trouble saying that as well. It’s annoying only because people ask me where I was before I came to Khobar. I was on a program that had offices in Jubail (easy to say!) and Yanbu (impossible to say!). I’ll occasionally defer to the name of the client, but that doesn’t really help in the long run.

As you can read from the above, there are some pretty fundamental things that I’m stuttering on lately. I feel to some extent that it’s dragging the rest of my speech down. But since I know this (and that it could happen) I’m trying to brush off all the stuttering instances above. Just because I stutter on certain words, doesn’t mean I’ll stumble on the next one.

And while I’m stuttering on the above stuff maybe 90% of the time, I need to focus on celebrating the 10% of the time they do come out fluently. I’ll get more comfortable with my audience at work, and it’ll get easier. It always does. I’ll get the 90% down to 80%, and then down below 50%, and then I can focus on whatever else is bothering my speech.

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Upcoming site changes

February 26, 2015 by

I sat down yesterday and listed out all the changes and additions that I’d like to make to the site. Then realized it’s a lot of work. Then I thought how it should all be perfect — find all the links, all the articles, all the videos — and then put it on the site.

Then I remembered my French.

With stuttering and speaking a foreign language, I was always hesitant. Because I thought it all had to be perfect. Then I could utter the words. So since it’s never going to be perfect, I had a nice excuse for never using my high school French.

Then I found out that no, that’s not the case at all. You don’t have to be perfect to open your mouth. Just put it out there, and don’t be afraid.

So with this site it should be the same. Put up what I can. Don’t be afraid. I can filter and sort it out later. I can build on it more and more. Nobody is going to complain. At least I’m making the effort.

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Confronting the Elevator

February 17, 2015 by

I talked a few days ago about stuttering in and around the elevator. I’m getting “better” at it.

I found out a few days ago that a person in my new office probably knows someone who I used to work with back in the States. Let’s call the guy here “A.” The person who I know back in the States has a name that starts with a hard K sound. First and last name!

Let’s step back and see how stuttering success could be measured:

1. If I put off speaking to someone because I’m afraid of a stutter, but then talk to them eventually, is that good?
2. If I don’t put off speaking to someone and then stutter while I speak to them, is that good?

I’d count both of them as a success, frankly. I suppose as long as in the first instance the time isn’t too long. You can’t put something off for weeks. Maybe a few days.

Anyway, I put off asking A for a few days because I didn’t feel like stuttering, I didn’t have to know that he knew this other person, and I didn’t know what kind of response he’d have anyway. Would it be awkward or something?

But he’s a really friendly guy and quite talkative.

So the other day he and I were in the elevator, and there was also someone else in there. Sometimes when I’m so afraid of speaking and know I’ll stutter, I’ll just start talking before my brain realizes what’s going on and what a bad idea this is.

That’s what I did.

I bumbled through the introduction, sort of saying what office I was in. Then started slowly pushing out the name. It wasn’t too bad, actually. He maintained eye contact and waited patiently. (A is British — I’m wondering if they’re wired slightly differently after the whole King’s Speech thing?).

Anyway, he said he did know this person, and then gave me a little information on what she is doing now and where she is. And that was that!

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What I’m Stuttering on Lately

February 16, 2015 by

Two stories for today’s entry.

Valentine’s Day (of course). So there’s this certain kind of Pakistani breakfast food that my wife really enjoys. It’s a street-food type thing. And of course being here in Saudi, there’s a Pakistani neighborhood, complete with many shops. The only issue is that I have no idea specifically where to get this stuff, and to find out, I’d have to … talk to someone.

But I decide to suck it up. My son and I went out early in the morning before anybody else in the house was up. I had to stop at the office for a quick errand. On the way back, we dove into the neighborhood. We drove around aimlessly for a while, trying to spot a shop from the car. I had been taken to this place before, but it was at night. I had to find someone to ask. You can tell the difference between the Pakistanis and the Saudis based on their dress. So I knew who I was looking for. Finally I found a guy walking along the road. I rolled down the window and started talking. I said the name of the stuff I was looking for. I didn’t stutter on it, but my breathing was off. He gave me a sort-of blank stare. But then asked if I was speaking Arabic or Urdu or what. I said Urdu, and said the name again a few times. He got it. Then instead of giving me directions, he just hopped into the car. Ok …

He pointed here and there, and on we drove. He got us into a more specific area of the neighborhood. This is what I wanted! We let him out with a thank you. My son and I found some parking and then started walking. I wanted to find a shop that was crowded (forgetting about how I don’t like going to crowded restaurants because ordering there is even more stressful). We saw a place, and saw the stuff we wanted.

I pointed and ordered, and the guy asked me how many. I said just one. Then, right there, sitting in the same place, was the guy who helped us in the car. He stood up and told the person behind the counter to help us out and ordered exactly what we wanted. Ah, making connections.

Then I noticed some other food that I wanted, so I pointed and asked for that as well. Another person standing next to me clarified it in Urdu to the person taking the order. So even though I stuttered a little here and there, I managed to push through and get what I wanted — and get something special for my wife for Valentine’s Day.

Second story —

After getting out of the neighborhood, my son and I went over to the Starbucks for coffee. The day before I had denied him a request for hot chocolate. So today I thought I’d oblige. But of course he threw a curveball and asked for a white hot chocolate. He told me this right before walking into the store, so I had only a few seconds to freak out about trying to say “white.”

So I ordered for myself what I usually do and stuttered just a little. Then I pushed really hard and got my son’s order out. The funny thing is that often those of us who stutter end up drinking/eating things we don’t want because that’s what’s easiest to day. In this case, I was able to order exactly what my son wanted, but the guy didn’t really know how to make it. And I didn’t know what was supposed to be in it, either. He conferred with his colleague, but then still added coffee in it (don’t think you’re supposed to … still need to check on that) so I said no, no, it’s ok, no big deal. (It was early — a little caffeine for an 8-year-old can’t be that bad, right?)

In both instances I made sure that the stuttering took a back seat for the needs of others. I’m not going to deny loved ones things just because I can’t say something comfortably. I can suck it up, and I can work through it.

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Stuttering on the Elevator

February 9, 2015 by

Have an idea for a business? They say you should be able to distill it into a few-seconds-long “elevator pitch.” I’m sure you’ve heard this before. And I’m sure that if you stutter, you just sort of laugh at this notion. Sometimes I can’t even say the floor number I want to go to if someone is asking. That’s always a real awkward gem. Doors are closing, it’s close quarters, really quiet, the easiest question ever.

Aside — how many of you have just said, yeah, that’s it, (already pressed) instead of saying the floor number? And then you get off on that floor, and say, oh, whoops, this isn’t right. And then turn around and call the elevator again, this time hoping you’ll be the only one in there, or at least be able to get in and push the button. Or just take the stairs. Stuttering as a weight loss plan. Great.

So while I’ve been programmed to just shut my mouth on elevator rides, I am talking more now. And still stuttering more. And not caring if other people on the elevator are listening in. If I’m waiting with someone on the top floor, and we’re both going down to the ground level, chances are good that our conversation will continue all the way through. People will get on and off, and I’ll just talk on through. I’m getting better at this. Does this mean I can just blurt out something witty and spontaneous and not stutter? Heavens no. But stuttering with someone at the company who is way more senior than me doesn’t put me off as much.

I’m not sure right now if I should be trying to meet more people — and using elevator run-ins as the fuel for this. I mean, I haven’t even met everybody on my floor yet. Can I just leave it at that for now?

Lastly, (and thankfully) I usually don’t stutter at all on the floor I’m on — it’s easy for me to say, “ten.”

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Stuttering more at work

February 8, 2015 by

I haven’t been keeping formal records or anything, but I have a strong feeling that I’m stuttering a lot more at work. A lot.

Obviously it’is because of the new job, new people, new experiences. Before I’ve been living a few stories, and everybody around me already knew them, too. But now, for entertainment purposes, I have to retell some stories. And since I’ve not run through them a bunch of times, they’re all coming out pretty rough. But I’m just stuttering on through them.

I’d say I’m getting out about 75-80% of what I want to say. (As in, talking vs. keeping silent) Remember the irony here is that stuttering has taught me over the years to not say a lot. Not saying a lot does tend to help when you’re starting a new role and need to feel out what’s what. So I’m using that to my advantage. (See? Stuttering gives you some gifts).

But otherwise, there’s blocking, dragging out sounds, repeating, the whole lot. It’s in front of friends, subordinates, supervisors, their bosses, and their bosses. But nobody is giving me a hard time about it.

And here’s what that’s doing for me:

1. I’m not hiding any more (well, as much)
2. I’m not wasting energy on being covert/avoiding
3. Maybe I’m educating people (not a lot of advertising being done, though)
4. I’m saying exactly what I want to say so there’s no confusion (most of the time) over what I want
5. I’m gaining confidence and getting more comfortable with my new environs.

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Stuttering and Searching Part 2

January 14, 2015 by

I talked a few weeks back about the search for a compound here in Al Khobar.

I was thinking back through the move and wanted to go through its parts and talk about how the stuttering may have affected it. I can say that overall, I don’t think it hurt the moving process at all. Let’s go through it bit by bit:

1. Getting the call about leaving the project – I was in the States, and my boss asked me what my number was. He called around midnight. I had 30 days from then to stay on the project. No stuttering.

2. Sending out an e-mail to some folks I already talked to about another job within the company. No stuttering, of course. But the person who I was slated to talk to (interview with) wouldn’t be available for a few more weeks.

3. Interviewing for a new position. I had actually interviewed for this position previously. I may go into detail about this in a few months, but basically I got the job I wanted. It took a few more days to set up another phone call with someone else to finalize details, but that was also not stuttering related.

4. Getting my household goods packed up. No stuttering really. I sent out some e-mails to our logistics coordinator for boxes, and made some phone calls to him regarding what the movers would actually do.

5. Finding a compound. This one was a little tough. But I think the delays were not on me, they were on others. If I needed to make a phone call or send an e-mail, I did it the same moment. If I needed to see someone, I went and talked to them. Did I stutter while visiting some of the compounds? Definitely. But did it make a difference at the end of the day? No. I was actually not afraid to pick up the phone and call places. I had to, so I just sucked it up.

6. Getting the company to pay for the compound. There was a small technical/financial issue with this that I won’t get into, but I did just go see the person in HR. We talked face-to-face and were able to sort things out. I stuttered, but was also sitting calmly, so I slowly let the message out.

7. Getting my son into a school here. No delays. The schools were closed until this week anyway. I sent some e-mails, and I also phoned them to ask what the policy was. My wife also called and made a trip to the school for the testing. I made a visit to the school and talked to some people in person. I picked up the registration papers and sent them back the same day. The school was good about follow-up, so there wasn’t a need for any more phone calls.

8. Getting into the new job. I’ve been to some meetings, and I’ve been stuttering. But I’ve also been able to talk to my new colleagues without any issues about business and personal matters.

So what’s the bottom line here? Well, the important takeaway for me is that looking back on what’s a large change in my life, stuttering (although it’s been present) has not had a negative impact. I’ve acknowledged it, but I haven’t let it make decisions or cause any delays. This is a huge win, and a good confidence boost going into more meetings and introductions at work.

I also still have to meet a lot of neighbors. I haven’t really had a lot of time for that, but the weekend is coming up …

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Some 2014 Stuttering Thoughts

January 13, 2015 by

(Note: I’ve finished my move from Yanbu to Al Khobar here in Saudi. It involved a lot of talking, and quite a bit of stuttering, too. I started the new job (which I’m not going to really talk about that much … only indirectly) and so far things are going well. I did have a chance to advertise in a meeting with a bunch of people … but chose not to. Let me get to the post I wanted to write at the beginning of 2015 first, and then I’ll talk more about the move and what happened later on this week.)

I’ve never thought of any of the years of my life with regards to stuttering. As in, “that was the year I started stuttering,” or, “that was the worst stuttering year of my life,” and so on.

But 2014 was definitely different. I started it out with a lot of nervousness. I had made the decision to finally (finally!) start a blog on stuttering. All the notes, the scribbles to those notes, the typed thoughts … all of it was going to go public.

I started the blog in April/May, and was amazed how easy it was to write … a lot … about stuttering. There’s a lot of bottled-up feelings! Lots to that iceberg, really.

July was definitely the best — I went to the NSA Conference for the first time. Now that I think about it, that was a pretty big deal. I mean, I dedicated an entire vacation to the conference. And traveled from Saudi to do it. I definitely jumped into the deep end, and it was absolutely worth it. Incidentally, I just booked the hotel for the Chicago conference this year. I haven’t even registered or told my boss about this vacation, or bought air tickets, or thought about what else I’ll do on the vacation. But I know I’m going!

I’d say the biggest change that came out of 2014 was that my stuttering didn’t bother me anymore. I mean, yes, it “bothers” me in the sense that I can’t always communicate something, but what I’m talking about is the bigger sense — that I’m someone who stutters. So what?

But how did I get to that point?

Well, in 2014 I learned some really valuable things:

1. There are other people — who I am now friends with — who stutter. I’m not alone.
2. If I stutter on something, I won’t die.
3. I don’t know how someone will react to my stutter. But more than likely, it’s going to be with patience, not some hateful comment.
4. As part of that, educated people will focus on the message and respect your physical shortcomings.

Those major themes finally entered my life, and I feel much better for it.

In 2014 I would say, based on casual observance, that I’ve been stuttering … more.

A lot more.

And why is that? Because I’m not using those avoidance techniques. I’m not substituting words as much. I’m saying what I want to say, stutter-be-damned.

Alright, so here we go — new year, new city, new neighborhood, new friends, new colleagues, new neighbors, new clients, new office, new job.

Let’s keep calm and stutter on.

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Stuttering and Searching

December 28, 2014 by

Things are going well here regarding the move within the Kingdom. Making progress, but it’s been a little rough, speech-wise.

What happens is that my company gives me a list of compounds with phone numbers and e-mail addresses. Some work, some don’t.

So what I’m left doing is driving to the compounds. This involves pulling up to the gate, and then … opening my mouth. And explaining what I need. It’s simple, really. To talk to the manager. Is he here? I need to ask about housing availability.

Yeah. Lots of words. To someone who doesn’t speak English as a first language. And from the inside of a car that’s several feet away from the gate. And sometimes there’s a random person standing nearby watching this all happen. And sometimes there’s a car behind me, itching to get in. Plenty of fun stresses to add up.

Since I drove around on a Saturday (weekends are Fri-Sat here) some managers were in, most were out. So I got a bunch of phone numbers to call (mobile numbers … more fun). I did talk to a few managers (or their lackeys) in person. Most of them said, no, we’re full right now. Thanks!

But I’m pushing through. Just sucking it up, stuttering, stammering, bumbling, stumbling, getting numbers and looking for things to follow up with. I’ve got a good lead on something now, so hopefully it’ll work out, and this part will be done.

Fortunately I’ve been able to do this solo — the family is out of Kingdom. I can’t imagine how much more stressful it’d be with a car full of kids …

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Stuttering for Coffee

December 19, 2014 by

Things are still in process for my work transition/life transition/move across the Kingdom-maybe, but for now, I do have some good news:

We are off the hook at Starbucks for having to give our actual names.

“Perhaps his reasons for giving initials in place of a full name were less about sparing others inconvenience and more about wanting an accurate representation of himself on his coffee cup. I’ll take any name with any spelling so long as I don’t have to engage in a whole dialogue about it. In a place where everyone seems to be rushing, I feel guilty holding up the line for an extra ten seconds.”

So there you have it. Perfectly fluent people (there’s no mention of stuttering in this article) are using different names at Starbucks so that they won’t get their order mixed up, or to be funny or creative.

Surely you can non-stutter out some name, right? I must try this … knowing my stutter, I’d probably stutter out a fake name, too. I’d be nervous about “getting caught.”

I’ve noticed that they don’t always ask me for a name though. If it’s not as busy, they simply take the order, and then call it out when they’re done. But yeah, during the rush it’s a little unnerving, and makes me wonder if I really need to be spending money to stutter.

What would be funny is if you used a fake name and had it written on a cup — and then took it into a meeting where they said, “let’s go around the room and introduce ourselves.”

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Unfocused on Stuttering

December 16, 2014 by

Alright, just a quick hello today — still alive, and still stuttering of course. I’ve gone across Saudi to my company’s home office to talk to some people about my next assignment. Since I know some people in the office already (from several years ago) they took me around and introduced me to others — so I didn’t have the stress of having to say my name at least.

After that, it’s a quick rundown of what I was doing and what I’m looking to be doing in the near future. And the meetings are usually really, really quick, less than a minute or two. Just a quick drive-by. Which is fine at this point. I had some longer discussions that I’m still waiting to hear the results on.

One fun stuttering bit that happened was here in the hotel. I needed an ironing board and iron. They weren’t provided in the room. But I looked through the guest handbook thingy, and it says you can call a number (housekeeping) and ask for it.

So … I have to … use a phone. To say the word … iron. And ironing board. And I have to do this. Gotta look good for the office visits!

So I took a nice deep breath and tried to think past my stutter, tried to ignore the word, tried not to think about how I was going to stutter. I thought about already saying the word, no problem, no problem, no problem.

Them: Hello, housekeeping.
Me: Ah, yes, hi, I need an iron and ironing board.

No stuttering! Success! Sweetness.

Them: What room are you in?
Me: !@#$!^%&%%!!!!

Are you kidding me?! I thought you knew this. I thought hotels had this part covered. Always. It’s a simple contract — I pick up the phone, you know it’s me. Here, apparently, not so much.

So yeah, I stuttered out the room number.

I’m still calling it a win. I mean, it would have been a win at another hotel, probably.

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Stuttering life changes

December 10, 2014 by

I just wanted to let everybody know that I’m going to do my best to post over the next few weeks. There are some major changes happening in my life right now — moving and taking on a new job (with the same company, though). So I’ve been busy getting those things sorted out as much as possible. I’ll also be doing a bit of travel as well.

Since I stutter and this is my life, yes, there is a stuttering aspect to all of this. But I’ll get to all that once the move is over and I’ve been in the new role for a few weeks.

What I can say is that based on some “lessons learned,” the first few weeks are going to be fraught with some fear and uncertainty. Meeting new people, learning a new process, and navigating a new city will all take me out of my comfort zone. But now I know to be patient and let time build up my confidence. I should expect that my speech is a little shaky for a while. That’s ok. I can also strongly consider advertising to some of the new people I meet to further take off the edge.

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Advertising, optimism and stuttering

December 3, 2014 by

There are going to be posts on this blog that are inspired from pretty solid places (articles, research, other blogs, tweets) and then stuff that’s a little more … out there.

This is going to be one of those posts.

As you can probably guess by now, I think about my stutter a lot. So sometimes I might think of an angle and wonder what’s really going on with it, or if it’s remotely related.

I think in general most people would agree that Americans are optimistic. There’s this ideal of the American Dream. The idea of working hard and getting ahead. That things will get better, the economy will grow, people will find jobs.

I was thinking more and more about advertising my stutter. And why I don’t do it. Why a lot of people who might be covert stutterers don’t do it.

Optimism?

Why not? I’m about to engage in a conversation. I’m thinking that I won’t stutter. I can dance around it. I can use some tricks, I can use other words, I can just stay silent and pay attention. I can follow up with an e-mail or a text later.

It’s also tied to the (sometimes) positive feedback loop of being covert. I mean, if it’s been working 90% of the time, why not this time?

If I advertise before I talk (my flawed thinking goes) I’m already admitting defeat. That’s such a pessimistic view! Give it a go! You need to try first, and then crash and burn. Not say that the crashing and burning is inevitable.

Like I said, this is flawed. Why not advertise? Why not inform and educate the other person? It’s not your fault anyway. You have a message that needs to get across.

I’m curious if people in other countries/cultures might feel the same way. Are you from a family of generally pessimistic people? Is it a cultural norm to assume or expect the worse?

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Who will you stutter with today?

December 2, 2014 by

I had the chance to travel home during the holidays, and I noticed something interesting with regards to stuttering and interacting with people. Namely, if given a choice of people — male, female, young, old, calm, flustered, etc., who would you want to (try to) talk to?

I’m at the airport, and I need to check in for my flight. I’m there pretty early, so there are more counter agents than customers. So I drag my suitcases through the little maze and … well … who’s it going to be? The young man who’s typing on his computer? The young lady who’s looking at me? The older man who’s also looking at me?

There’s so much to consider in just a few seconds — will the old man care if my suitcase is a half kilogram over? Will the young lady be pulled aside by the young man and asked how to do something, thus dragging out the whole process? Will the young man — who might be new — not understand my visa and start asking me questions that I’ll stutter on?

I’d like to think that I don’t think about my stuttering until just a few seconds before it starts to happen. But I think since I’ve been doing it for so long, it’s really burnt into my head. It’s driving the bus. I try to fight this by going up to the counter, smiling, saying hi, and handing over my passport. I take another deep breath. Breathe!

But how do I usually decide? Well, after interactions at the airport, retail store and bank, I’ve noticed that I’m usually partial to the person who’s smiling. As long as they’re not standing next to someone else talking. Because hey, if I’m going to stutter, I’d rather have an audience of one.

The smiling does a lot to disarm me. It says, “hey, you’re welcome here, I’m open to helping you, and I’m not going to jump down your throat and interrogate you.”

I always, always, return the smile. Disarm you! Disarm me! Now I can breathe again. And say hello. And hand you my passport. And say, “two bags.” And even ask a question that I already know the answer to! (Confirming that the bags aren’t checked all the way through to my small town.)

On the one hand, I don’t usually have to say that much to the counter agent. I’m well prepared. But is that because I stutter? And I don’t want to talk to them that much? No. I don’t think so. I think as I get older and figure things out, I realize that being prepared while you travel makes life a whole lot easier. If that means less chit-chatting, then so be it.

So what about you? When you reach the front of the line and have a choice, who does your stuttering fear the least?

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Thankful for Stuttering – Part 2

December 1, 2014 by

Alright, alright. It’s been a few days. Holidays! Turkey! International travel!

But now we’re back at it.

Firstly, here’s a post regarding being thankful for stuttering.

And of course I’m thankful for stuttering because of what it’s made me:

It’s made me more patient: There’s the old saying of treat others how you wish to be treated. Well, when it takes me a while to talk, I would like some patience. So everybody else gets it as well. My thoughts aren’t always well formed (maybe because I’m being covert and substituting like crazy) so I understand when other people are searching for the right way to express their thoughts.

It’s made me more ambitious. There’s two ways of looking at this. Either I’m more ambitious because I’m trying to run away from my stutter — and make people associate my name with my title or success — or that everytime I get a promotion or better job I’ve won the battle against stuttering. I’ve shown that it’s not going to hold me back.

It’s made me a better listener. I like to ask questions. Then I like to listen. The better the questions, the longer the answers might be. And that means I’m not talking as much. Which of course means I’m not stuttering, either.

It’s made me a better writer. I could call someone up and bumble over a question or two or three, or I could write a clear and concise e-mail. I’m pretty good at those now.

It’s made me a voracious reader. This has been true from the start — when I was in elementary school. Maybe it’s because if I read the book I would know all the answers and have more confidence? Maybe if I read the book I would know all the answers and not have to raise my hand to ask a question? Maybe because it didn’t involve talking to other people? The other side to this is a book club — would something like that have put me off with regards to reading? If I had to talk about books from a young age? Probably so …

It’s made me start this blog!

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Thankful for Stuttering – Part 1

November 27, 2014 by

I’m thankful for:

The barista who stands there patiently with their sharpie while I force out my name
The passport agent who sits there quietly while I force out ‘dates’ as hard as possible
My parents who never said anything negative about my stuttering or that I had to sort it out or be a failure
My friends who never laughed at my stutter
My coworkers who wait while I explain something during a meeting and stumble through it
The person on the other side of the phone who hangs on the line while I stutter out my address
The cashier who doesn’t roll their eyes while I stutter out my phone number
The new people who I meet in the Kingdom at lunch who’ve never commented on my stutter

I could go on.

I’m thankful for all of these people because they show me that stuttering isn’t going to kill me. If I want to talk to someone, I’ll get through it. I’ll make more positive associations with talking than negative ones. I’ll learn that 99 out of 100 people are patient, loving and kind when it comes to listening. And that one person out of a hundred isn’t going to bring down my moment, my afternoon, or my day.

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Stuttering and My Job

November 25, 2014 by

Alright, so here’s the last thing to say about jobs and stuttering (for the moment).

I talked about what my own situation is — and whether I’m one to even talk about these things.

Thirdly, am I one to talk? I will readily admit that my stutter probably pushed me into engineering. Maybe not fully, but it had something to do with it. Well, the thing is, I didn’t just sit and stay in the first job that I had. I saw my boss and his job. I saw how much he talked, and how he carried himself with others and in meetings. And despite the fact that I didn’t think that would be possible, I kept working at it anyway.

The question is, if I had to do it all over again knowing more about stuttering, getting help and being more open, would I have made the same choices? I don’t know. Engineering isn’t too bad. I don’t think I knew enough about it to think that, ‘hey, here’s a great job where I can sit in a cubicle for 40 years and never have to talk to anybody.’

I think maybe some of the changes I would have made (if engineering was locked in as a major) would be regards to job-searching and networking. What were my peers doing? Could someone tell me what I’m supposed to be doing at a job fair? Drop off my resume, or … talk?

But again, it’s hard to say — I graduated 30 days before 9/11. The job market got a little soft, and there was a lot of uncertainty. So having a family contact for my first job was probably the only answer.

Was ignorance maybe better? What if I had someone who knew more about certain jobs? And then assume that I had the courage to ask them about speaking and stuttering in those jobs. Wouldn’t that have scared me off? Would I have known to seek alternate opinions?

The other thing of course is that everybody’s stutter is different. I usually don’t stutter on every single word, but hey, it’s happened. If I’m talking to familiar people it’s not too bad. If I have to make a presentation, it’s hit and miss. So many variables.

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Afraid of speaking on the job. Before getting the job.

November 24, 2014 by

Going back to last week’s posts on jobs. In my second paragraph, I talked about well, fear. Fear of having to say something, having to present something.

As many people have said, fear cannot run your life. It’s definitely a lot more prevalent if you stutter, but it’s gotta be controlled.

If you see someone doing your dream job, and you see them (for just an hour, or a day, or a week) and they’re talking way more than you think you could, then you still need to ask more questions. What about all of the other time? What are they actually doing?

Being afraid of a job because you might have to do a presentation once a year is an irrational thought. It’s the same thinking that goes into why people buy bigger houses than they need — well, maybe someone might visit us once a year for a week. So we need that extra bedroom!

No you don’t.

Here’s a crazy thought. What if the person who you see doing your dream job is a covert stutterer? Or someone with other speech difficulties? Someone who worked a lot at speaking and then gained the confidence to present and carry on at work?

I’m not saying that you have to be covert to be successful. Of course not. But you can practice, practice, practice. You can get more comfortable with your coworkers. You can advertise to them that you stutter (on your own terms and on your own timeline) which may take some of the edge off.

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I’m telling you that you can’t do that job.

November 20, 2014 by

I talked the other day about jobs and stuttering. Let me go through it again, but in more detail. I’ll start with the first point today and do the others tomorrow.

What I said was that there are going to be people who will hate on your future job dreams.

So basically, here is what they’re telling you:

1. They know every single verbal interaction you will have.
2. They know that you will fail at every single one of those interactions.
3. They know every single person who has that job that you want, across the country, and around the world.
4. All those people who they know do the exact same thing in the exact same way, and you won’t be able to do that.

So again, seriously? You’re going to buy that?

You’re going to believe that an engineer working at an auto factory has the same verbal demands as an engineer working on a job site in Texas? That an IT professional at a small company is doing the same things as someone at a Fortune 500 company? Just because you’ve spent 12 years in school observing your teachers, doesn’t mean that’s the only way to teach. Every coach isn’t always yelling and explaining. Managers don’t always have to give presentations. Every lawyer isn’t arguing in court.

Nobody’s an expert on every single job in the country. Nobody knows that much about what your daily demands are going to be. So don’t let anybody tell you that they do. You have to find out for yourself. You have to reach out and do some research.

And what if you do some research and find out that the verbal demands are really tough? Well, then you have to prepare yourself. You have to do the work. How badly do you want it? If you’ve prepared yourself academically (and possibly physically) why not verbally? Do the best you can at it, and if you have to do some advertising and get help early in the job, so be it. But build up your confidence. Build up your network. Make people comfortable with your stuttering.

Remember that those haters are like the voice in your head. Every day, you have a verbal interaction. And every time, you say to yourself, I can’t do this. I will avoid doing this. I don’t have to do this. The little person in your head — the hater — he wins. But what happens when you do talk, and you do stutter, and you do succeed? You’ve proven to yourself you can win and shown the hater that he’s wrong.

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Some Stuttering Jobs

November 19, 2014 by

Recently on the Stuttering Community Facebook page, Amy asked what jobs everybody has. Remember that all of these people stutter. Here are the jobs and/or places where people work. So what’s your excuse now?

Call center, machinist, SLP, engineer, grocery store stocker, receptionist, doctor, paramedic, firefighter, journalist, professor, restaurant manager, IT, chef, electrical engineer, project manager (that’s me!), police officer, sports writer, accountant, nurse, priest, teacher, woodworker, lawyer, ultrasound tech, data scientist, graphic designer, HR, heavy equipment operator, web developer, care giver, soldier, salesman, and counselor.

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Stuttering and your future job

November 18, 2014 by

I wanted to comment on something I’ve been seeing lately on Facebook groups and Reddit — young people who stutter worrying about what sort of job they might have since they stutter. I remember a few posts that said the person who stutters talked to someone in their profession or industry, and they said, no, you won’t be able to do this. You have to be able to talk.

This is all a bunch of crap.

Let me go through this in three parts. I want to just put forth some main ideas on this.

Firstly, hearing one person hate on your future job prospects is like having one person telling you that you can’t lose weight. Think about it. They’ll tell you how they’ve tried everything, it’s genetic, just don’t worry about it, just live with it. Seriously? And you can’t find ten other people who have lost 50 lbs and are more than happy to tell you how to change your life to do the same thing? You can communicate with anybody now through the Internet. You can ask to talk to someone who has your future job. You can reach out to many of them, and you’ll find someone who can help guide you through the process.

Secondly, if you’re looking at what a future job entails and then just giving up because you think — think — that you can’t do the speaking involved, then you’ve already failed. You’ve said to yourself that you’ve tried everything — various speech therapists, group therapy, self therapy, daily practice of techniques and things like Toastmasters. So, again, really? You’ve tried all that. You’ve done all the work, and you’re still going to give up? You’ve worked hard to change negative connotations of your stuttering into positive ones, and a dream job is still not going to happen?

Thirdly, am I one to talk? I will readily admit that my stutter probably pushed me into engineering. Maybe not fully, but it had something to do with it. Well, the thing is, I didn’t just sit and stay in the first job that I had. I saw my boss and his job. I saw how much he talked, and how he carried himself with others and in meetings. And despite the fact that I didn’t think that would be possible, I kept working at it anyway. I’ve moved up. I’ve freaked out, I’ve practiced, I’ve had good days and bad. But I’m still going forward, and I’m still being scared at what the future might hold. But I’m better prepared.

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What I’m Stuttering on Lately – A Trip Home

November 17, 2014 by

So I’m back stateside now after traveling over from the Kingdom. As with any change to my routine, there’s more stuttering. I’m out of my comfort zone more, so the anxiety is up.

Here’s what I’ve been stuttering on lately:

Before the trip –

I noticed that most of the stories that a married man with kids tells either have to do with, “I was out the other day,” or “my kids are crazy, the other day they …” or “my wife was telling me …”

The first two aren’t that bad. But that ‘w’ on wife as well as my wife’s name have been difficult lately. (Note that most of this happens at lunch when I’m talking to native English speakers). So sometimes what my wife has gone through or told me about gets told. Oftentimes … not so much.

During the trip –

I was traveling to Washington, DC. Another ‘w’ word. So at the checkin counter, I got hung up on this. With some people you can chicken out and say “DC” but that doesn’t always work. What was annoying is that from our small town, I could only fly to Jeddah (by which I mean I could only have my bags checked through to Jeddah). So I stuttered and stumbled on ‘Washington,’ when all I had to say was ‘Jeddah.’ Which is easier.

When I got to Jeddah, I had an 8-hour layover. So I decided to get a cab and go to Shake Shack (duh). Well, the driver was a Saudi and didn’t know any English. But I said the name of the street (Tahlia, and I can say that) a few times, and finally he understood. I had to point as we got closer, but that wasn’t too bad.

The Shake Shack ordering went well; I usually do the “menu assist” stuttering technique. You know, say it as you point to it on the menu. So that was fine. Next to the Shack was Starbucks (remember, I’m trying to kill a lot of time here).

Ah, the Starbucks. There’s my usual order of a medium non-fat, no-whip mocha. No cream. A stutterer’s delight half the time. But lo, what was this? They actually had seasonal offerings in the desert?

Now, I promise you that I ordered the gingerbread latte because it was the season. Not because I knew I’d stutter on ‘mocha.’ Besides, I still had to stay ‘without cream,’ or ‘no cream.’ I spelled my name for them after trying to say it. That wasn’t too bad. Please also keep in mind in that our small town we don’t have a Starbucks, so any trip there is a treat for me. As are the seasonal offerings.

Then I had to get a cab back to the airport. This was fun as well. I don’t know how to say airport, but I kept on saying “Saudia” over and over again and making the hand flying up into the sky motion. The driver got it. He could speak some broken English, and I used a few of my Arabic words. Our small town starts with a “Y,” and that was difficult to get out. But the cabbie didn’t laugh or give me a weird look. Maybe he thought I was just speaking a second language, so … it’s not easy.

No problem checking in — all the counters are for the Washington flight only. So just hand the passport, ask if the flight is full (no, not at all, you’ll have room to stretch out) and be on my way. At the passport desk they don’t ask you anything on the way out.

Flight was uneventful. I’m tall and can never sleep soundly on airplanes. But I got some rest of the 13-hour deal …

Into DC … and hurrying to get to passport control.

Wait, let me back up.

When I Jeddah, I discovered that I didn’t have a pen. And I knew that I needed to fill out the customs card in DC with a pen. And I knew searching around (or asking) for one would be annoying and tricky. So I sought out a cheap pen to buy. Done. On the airplane I dutifully filled out the card and wrote, by the ‘declaring fruits’ section that I bought in DATES. Because I knew they’d ask, and I knew they’d write it down as well.

So of course when I get near passport control, I find that they have the electronic kiosks. You scan your passport, answer the questions, and it spits out a paper. No pen necessary.

Then I’m waiting for the officer, things are relaxed, not a lot of people, I’m not doing anything wrong, I have my passport, I’m taking a deep breath, I’m trying not to think of the questions they’ll ask. I tell myself that I will advertise my stutter if I’m bumbling over everything.

I get called up. “What fruits are you bringing in?”

Ddd-

Dd-

D-

Push harder. It’s almost here.

“Dates.”

“Oh, ok. Dates are good. Welcome home.”

And that was it!

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Not Stuttering … now what?!

November 12, 2014 by

So I picked up my new bike the other day here in the Kingdom. It’s a Canyon — I ordered it online, and ten days later it showed up. I know the right thing to do is to go to a bike shop and give them my business — but we don’t have them here in the Kingdom. And besides, after the bike fitting, I found out that the Canyons would be a really good fit.

Anyway, the way things work here in Kingdom is that if you have a package going to UPS (or FedEx or DHL) — at least in our small town — you have to go to the carrier’s office to pick it up. They have daytime hours only. Sometimes on weekends. And if you’re tracking your package online, it may or may not say exactly where it is. For instance, it said mine was still in Jeddah — and we’re three hours from there.

So I got to the UPS office in the morning after getting a call from them (that’s the other thing — you have to put your phone number on the shipping address) and there wasn’t anybody there except for the UPS employee. I saw my bike — they just leave the packages out and about.

I went up to the guy and said my name using the more Arabic pronunciation — which I don’t stutter on as much. He said, “yeah, I know.” Ooookay. I guess he either recognized my voice or …? I’m here to pick up my bike. Yeah, ok, there’s a customs fee. I paid the fee and complimented him on how perfect his English was. He said he had lived in the States for more than a decade … and …

…And what was beginning to happen? I told him I grew up in Pennsylvania, had been in Saudi for about four years. I wasn’t stuttering. I was comfortable. There wasn’t anybody else in the office breathing down my neck. I was happy my bike had made it. I was making successful small talk! What should I do? How friendly am I supposed to be? Should I take advantage of these non-stuttering moments? I didn’t want it to be awkward. He didn’t need to know my life story. But I felt I could tell it all right then and there!

Stuff like this happens to me once in a while. But I usually catch myself pretty quickly. You’re talking pretty fast … you’re talking a lot … they’re not looking as interested … move along …

Does this ever happen to anybody else? You just kind of zone out for a few moments and everything is right with the world again? Do you find yourself happily babbling away?

I guess this is what keeps me from advertising. These moments of fluency happen, and I think, well, see, I didn’t advertise, and everything is just fine.

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Stuttering and Politics

November 6, 2014 by

So yesterday in the States they had the midterm elections. Since I live here in Saudi, the results don’t really change much for my day-to-day life. And since I’m not sure when we’re moving back …

What I wanted to talk about today is politics. I’m not here to discuss my specific views on various subjects, but rather how I came to have them — or not.

The thing about politics is that it always boils down to discussing and arguing. An oral exercise. You can have an opinion on something, and if you want to let you friends know, you have to state the position, then articulate something clear and meaningful to support it. You have to listen to their arguments and refute them. You have to understand where they’re coming from, probe them, challenge them, and then maybe agree to disagree.

That’s a lot of … talking.

Can you do it by e-mails or texts? Sure. Just read through the comments section on any political news story and let me know how convincing that strategy is.

I’ve not been able to see this any other way. And even if I could articulate something slowly and somewhat clearly to a friend the first time, it doesn’t mean I can do it all the time. It doesn’t mean that I’ll have the same confidence, either.

Because of all this, I’ve never really been that political. There’s a lot of criticism out there that people don’t “care” about politics, that they may not vote or get engaged. But could it just be a communication issue? Oftentimes we see that the winners are the ones spending the most money or yelling the loudest.

I think back in college and possibly earlier, I saw debating as something I would never be able to do. I thought that if I stuttered, the other person would see this as a weakness and walk all over me and my words.

So what can we do? What can someone who stutters do if they’re interested in politics? In debate? In getting up in front of a large group and arguing that their school policy be changed, or that they’d be a decent candidate for office?

A person who stutters would first have to get past the fact that their stutter alone won’t lose them the debate. Once past this, I’d reason that an insane amount of reading and preparation would help. And just being calm during a debate. I’d imagine that even the process of debate preparation would help — speaking out loud, trying various phrases and angles over and over again. Building confidence.

The thing about being over prepared is that it tells the other party (as well as the audience) that wow, this person’s content is spot-on. They really know their stuff. It puts the spotlight on material instead of how that material is coming out of your mouth.

I’ve never done Toastmasters (I’m not against trying it now) nor did I do anything debate-wise in school growing up. But now that I think about it, it probably would have helped. Maybe not enter a life of politics per se, but at least get me out of my comfort zone and get me thinking and talking about different topics.

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Stuttering and Not Stuttering

October 29, 2014 by

It’s been a while, so here again is a quick post on what I’ve been stuttering on lately. But this time with a little twist at the end.

I got a bike fitting, and so I had to tell people about the fitting … except I really dragged out that f. Forever. It’s even more annoying when you’re dragging out a letter while riding a bike and trying to talk to others. Traffic rolls by, makes noise, makes it hard for people to hear you when something does come out, etc., ugh.

For whatever reason, I was talking about May, and so well, dragging that m out quite a bit. There’s work related stuff happening in May, but also my birthday is in May. Usually on the phone (with the electric company or whatever) having to say my birthday is a true pain.

Those are the two big ones that I can remember lately. I’ve also noticed that I’ve been avoiding and substituting here and there which is still frustrating. I try not to, but sometimes I just get tired of it, and I don’t think it’ll make a difference for the listener. But sometimes I really get out of hand with substituting, and all of a sudden I don’t even make sense to myself anymore. Good times.

Ok, what I wanted to add to this today is something a little different. People who stutter often spend a lot of time obsessing over the words we do get stuck on. We see them from afar, start thinking, start switching stuff out, start changing the subject, whatever it takes.

But what about what we don’t stutter on? I know stuttering is random and can strike any word at any time. But I’ve noticed that well, there are some words that are mostly immune. Sure I get stuck on them once in a great while, but basically I know I can roll on through them usually.

For example, I went to school in Pittsburgh. When people ask, I can say “Pittsburgh” without stuttering at all. “Pennsylvania” is also pretty easy (where I grew up). There are also certain greetings — I noticed in France I never really stuttered on “bonjour.” I can say at least one (of three) of my kids’ names without any problems as well. (When I’m talking to others about them. When I’m just calling the children, there’s no stuttering.)

I could probably make a longer list — certain months, certain countries, cities, etc., But you get the idea. The point is that while we usually fear certain words and situations, we can still be fluent (reliably) in others. And that should help our confidence out.

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Stuttering and the Therapist

October 27, 2014 by

I had such a positive experience at the NSA Conference this past July that something occurred to me — I should try to be an SLP. The joke of course is, “when I grow up [and have life figured out].” Obviously it’s hard to make a wholesale career change after working for 15-20 years. But if I save up enough here in the Kingdom, I could conceivably pull it off when I return Stateside. (And no, I don’t know exactly when that’ll be … it’s … complicated. Anyway). Reading this post on Reddit also made me think about it pretty hard.

So what would it end up looking like — three years of going back to school? A year for some prerequisites and then two years of a master’s program? Let’s assume I can even get in someplace to begin with.

Here’s where being someone who stutters comes in to ruin the decision-making process: I often think about jobs that other people have and think, “there’s no way I could do that.” Which seems absurd in light of being an SLP.

(Note: if you’re fluent and think about jobs for yourself, what do you feel the limitations are? I have a feeling it’s more like, “I don’t think I’d like that.” But you know you could physically do it. That’s the difference. If you stutter, you start imagining all sorts of speaking scenarios…)

It’s not that absurd especially considering that there were a handful of SLPs at the NSA Conference who also stuttered. But my thing is — what about parents bringing in their children and seeing that me, the professional who knows about this stuff and who’s supposed to help, can’t even speak fluently? What about telling the patient that they’ve got to get out in public and interact with total strangers, stuttering-be-damned? Would I even be willing and able to do that? What if I have a bad stuttering day? Will that affect the patient? What if I have a bad stuttering day during a first-time meeting with a patient? Or a parent?

Is all this just in my head?

Yep.

Is it all hooey?

Yep.

Can I overcome all of this?

Yep.

But you see what being covert for so long does. What stuttering does. It gets into everything.

Aside: I’m not sure if it was a workshop or not, but I’d like to sit in on a discussion between SLPs who stutter and people who stutter who are considering it as a career. I know that the number would be really small, but hey, it’s worth a shot.

The thing is, outside of high school therapy, I didn’t go to any kind of therapy. So I’m just guessing on a lot of stuff. What I really need to do is reach out to some SLPs and find out what their educational experiences were like. And for those who stutter, how they told parents and patients about stuttering, its lack of cure and ways to see and/or measure improvement.

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