Stuttering away for a week

July 25, 2014 by

Alright, so the family and I will be off to Dubai for a week of vacation. The Eid holidays are happening here in Saudi (end of Ramadan) so we get a few days off. There’s a lot more for the kids to do in Dubai than here, so we figured why not.

I will certainly try to post this week if/when I can, but otherwise will be trying to speak and say whatever I want instead of whatever I can.

I’m still working on going through each of the workshops that I attended at the annual NSA conference, so there’s a lot more goodness there. Plus my French-speaking adventures in France chasing the Tour for two days and then meeting with Tom Weidig from The Stuttering Brain.

There’s also a steady stream of stuttering posts and information showing up on Twitter these days, so plenty of chances for commentary there as well.

As always, feel free to rifle through the archives and shoot me an e-mail or post a comment!

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Stuttering at the open mic

July 23, 2014 by

The second workshop on the second day was Open Mic.

It’s a simple premise, really. There’s the microphone, a room full of conference-goers, and that’s it. So you suck it up, take the mic, and start talking. To a bunch of strangers. About whatever you want.

Deep breath. I’m doing this, I’m doing this, I’m doing this.

I walked in there with someone who I met the first day. After the host explained the deal, my friend stood up and took the mic. Just like that. He didn’t even think about it, he just did it. Again, seriously? This is how people are rolling here?

After he was done, another hand went up, another person got up to speak. Everybody stuttered. Everybody in the audience listened attentively. I sat there in awe. Yes, I had just been to a few workshops where people made comments and stuttered. Or the presenters stuttered. But here are a bunch of people just getting up and putting themselves out there. Strangers to strangers.

About half an hour in, I looked around the room and started doing the math. There were way more people in here than time allowed. There was another open mic event later in the conference, though. I started making excuses in my head. The covert in me made an appearance and started making really persuasive suggestions.

No.

I came here to listen, yes, but I also came here to talk.

I put my hand up after someone finished. Don’t think about it. Just stand up and get up there. Start talking. Stop thinking so much.

I had been doing some thinking while in my seat. What would I say? I would talk about how I told my friends I would be attending a stuttering conference. And how all of them said the same thing — that they knew I stuttered, but it didn’t seem like a big deal to them (or me). But of course it was.

So I got up there. And tried to introduce myself. And stuttered. And then I started in on this little reflection. And stuttered some more. And more. But again, nobody reacted negatively. They just sat there and listened. I kept things short, and then sat back down. That was it. I felt good. I had faced the stuttering head on, and it didn’t do anything to me. I lived through it.

What was becoming a little alarming to me was how badly I was stuttering during the conference. This public speaking attempt really highlighted it. But then I thought, well, I’m definitely out of my comfort zone, I didn’t prepare anything, and I barely do any public speaking to strangers anyway. And oh yeah, you do stutter, and that’s not going to just go away because you think it should.

All in all it ended up being a pretty taxing speaking morning. First making a comment at the bilingual workshop and now this. Between all the introductions from the day before, I had spoken more to a room full of strangers in the past two days than in the past year.

And through it all, nothing negative was happening.

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Bilingual Stuttering Workshop

July 23, 2014 by

The first workshop that I attended on Day 2 of the NSA Annual Stuttering Conference was Bilingual Stuttering.

Again, I didn’t really know what to expect, and again, I was really impressed with the discussion and comments people made.

For me, I grew up in a bilingual household — my parents spoke Urdu as well as English. But I only picked up on the Urdu as far as some understanding. I rarely, if ever, spoke Urdu growing up. This was because others would usually laugh at what I was trying to say. So coupled with my self conciousness as someone who stutters, it was a receipe for never bothering to learn. And what was the point? Everything in the States is in English anyway.

In junior high and high school I took French. Again, I did pretty good “on paper” but rarely spoke because I was self-concious about how I sounded.

And now, here in Saudi, I’m surrounded by Arabic-speakers. I can read Arabic, but can’t speak or understand it.

So what did I take away from this workshop? The first thing that blew me away was that one of the presenters (a native English speaker who stutters) speaks a foreign language. At work. As part of her job. So, in front of clients, on the phone, the whole thing. I sat there in awe. Seriously? And here I am, afraid of practicing a few Arabic words at the office with friendly company?

Some said they stuttered while speaking another language, others said they didn’t. Some stuttered more because they couldn’t be covert — they couldn’t use another word to substitute because well, they didn’t know many vocab words.

I was sitting there getting a little nervous, though. I had a comment! And damned if I was going to come all this way and not say what I wanted to say. I was remembering the goals that I had set before the conference. Ok! So here we go.

Sutter, stutter, stutter, point sort of being made, stutter a lot more, nobody’s laughing, stutter, stutter, everybody’s just patiently waiting, stutter, stutter, make comment, ok, done.

Alrighty then.

What I managed to say is that I am afraid to speak in a foreign language because I know it won’t be perfect. And I want it to be perfect. I don’t want the listener to grab onto how I’m saying something instead of what the message is. This of course is a direct tie with stuttering — the person who stutters is afraid of how the message is perceived instead of what the message is actually saying.

I said that I needed to be more rational about this — it didn’t have to be perfect. Case in point, I’ve got a bunch of non-native English speaking engineers who report to me. Their English isn’t perfect. But they carry on anyway, not really caring. And I don’t care about how they’ve said something — and I can usually decipher the message.

Another important point they made is that we deserve to speak a foreign language. We don’t have to let our stutter get in the way of that, either.

Yes. I do deserve to speak the French that I learned. And Urdu. And Arabic. Need to get that into my head.

Another workshop done and another really great perspective on something that I had thought wasn’t going to change. I got a lot of encouragement and inspiration from those around me who were stuttering but still speaking foreign languages without any hangups.

This definitely had an impact on the trip to France that I took a few days after my Stateside vacation. But we’ll get to that in a few days.

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First day wrap-up and some goals

July 20, 2014 by

I’ve been summarizing my time at the NSA Conference that took place over the July Fourth weekend in DC.

Here are links to the three workshops that I attended on the first day at the Annual NSA Conference:

https://helloistutter.com/2014/07/14/first-timers-workshop/

https://helloistutter.com/2014/07/15/stuttering-your-way-to-financial-ruin-and-social-ridicule/

https://helloistutter.com/2014/07/17/this-is-stuttering/

And these are the things I said I’d do at the conference. Let’s see how I did on them:

1. Go up to some hotel staff member and ask them where the bathroom/conference room/gym/elevators are, even if I already know. They’ll probably be hearing a lot of stuttering, so hey, might as well get my own practice in.

Well, I did ask someone where the ATM is. He led me right to it. Of course it was just a few steps away. I hadn’t noticed it there. I didn’t stutter when I asked him.

2. Go up to small groups of people and barge on in. Why not, right?

This is pretty much what the First Timer’s Workshop was all about. I also ended up approaching groups that had one person who I knew in them. Then introduced myself to the others.

3. Call down to the front desk, tell them my name, room number and then ask what time checkout is. And maybe if I’m feeling up for it, what the hours are for the gym.

This didn’t happen. The old covert me hung on to something.

4. Introduce myself to as many strangers as possible.

I probably could have introduced myself to more people, but really, as my first conference, I was really pleased with how many people I did meet.

5. I got invited to a panel discussion on online stuttering communities. So, no prepared talking points. No rehearsing what I want to say.

Well, I did sit up there somewhat nervously while the others were talking, trying to figure out what I wanted to say. And in my mind, it was all going to go very, very smoothly. I was rehearsing! In my head! Yeah, not so much. I stuttered. A lot. But hey, that’s alright. I got the message across about the site and what it’s all about. So a win there.

6. Ask any questions or make any comments during seminars that I might have. Right then and there. Not after the seminar or after a few days when I see the host again. Don’t rely on e-mail.

Yes, I did do this. On the first day I didn’t have any comments or questions because my head was still reeling from the speakers who were stuttering (or not) and how friendly/easy everything was. But it was in the back of my mind for the rest of the conference, and I’ll talk about that later.

7. Above all else — listen. To the new people who I meet, and to the speakers at the conference. I’ve lived in a silo regarding my stuttering since I was 7, so it’s time to get some perspective on it.

Yes, definitely. It was great talking to people, laughing with them, hearing them share similar experiences (especially with the phone). It’s been a while since I’ve laughed that hard, and it felt great. Definitely the right place for me.

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This Is Stuttering

July 17, 2014 by

The third workshop that I went to was a movie, thisisstuttering.

It was made by Morgan Lott.

Now, remembering that I’m a covert stutterer who doesn’t like to talk about stuttering, I had never seen his movie. Or even heard of it. I only found out about it while reading the description in the NSA program.

So I didn’t know what to expect.

I hadn’t even read this which is on his site:

Morgan is a filmmaker from Simi Valley, CA. During the summer of 2012, he began another round of speech therapy with a new speech therapist, Mrs. Alyssa Lukiewski. Upon her asking Morgan to film all of the sessions and weekly vlogs, simply for her own usage in studying her client, Morgan realized he was filming a fascinating documentary on accident. thisisstuttering has already drastically changed his life and he hopes the story will encourage and motivate others not only with stutters, but in any difficulty life decides to through our way.

This isn’t going to be a review of the movie. It’s more of my feelings during the viewing. That being said, the movie is basically about Morgan and some “confessionals” during his time in speech therapy. There are also numerous shots of him stuttering — out in public, on the phone, etc.,

My thoughts? Wow. Just, holy crap. He is out there, he is on video, and it’s forever! I really, really hate hearing myself on tape (or mp3, I guess) and seeing myself on video. (That’s why I haven’t done a YouTube channel or Podcast) I’ll leave the room if a video of me comes on (even if I’m not stuttering in it). When I’m making videos of the kids, I don’t even like to talk. If I do, it’s slow and very deliberate. And I make sure I won’t stutter. If I stutter badly enough. I’ll delete the video. That’s right. My stuttering supersedes childhood memories that will never happen again. That being said, I’m getting better — if it’s a little stutter, I’ll let it go. I suppose my kids may appreciate a nasty stutter when they’re older though. That’s how dad is.

Back to Morgan’s movie.

I’m watching this movie, and all I can think of is, well, that’s my life right there. He’s on the phone, stuttering to say a word. He hangs up, turns to the camera and says the word without stuttering at all. Over and over again. And just shakes his head about it.

What was amazing is hearing what he said about the movie afterward. Particularly that these snippets were all never to be seen by anybody else. And yet he had the strength to put them together into a really powerful movie. He also talked about how vulnerable he’s felt since making the movie and being out there. That’s an insane amount of courage. I mean, I’m only writing a little blog — put to make a movie and put it forth for festival consideration — chapeau.

(When Morgan stood in front of us after the movie was over to talk, I had the same thoughts that I did about the previous presenter — he’s hardly stuttering! But then he talked about how he’s been doing these presentations for a few months now. So again, confident and familiar.)

For someone who stutters, there’s nothing new or earth-shattering here regarding treatment or putting yourself out there. But I think if you’re fluent and want to know what stuttering is like, this is a perfect place to start. If you don’t stutter but know someone who does, you might hear a few minutes of their stutter here and there. Maybe every day, maybe only once or twice a week. And not think it’s a big deal. (And if your stuttering friend is trying to be covert, they’ll likely stutter even less). But thisisstuttering strings it all together and shows just how emotionally taxing stuttering is.

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Stuttering your way to financial ruin and social ridicule

July 15, 2014 by

The second workshop that I attended had the subject title and was done by Steve Brown.

For the record, here are all of the descriptions for these workshops — so you can read the description on there of who Steve is and what this was going to be all about.

Alright, so I had just come from the First Timer’s Workshop and was feeling good. I was feeling good about jumping into the deep end and actually going to this conference. But I was mentally taxed a good bit already — I usually have to stutter our my name once a month (or even less) — and I had just done a year’s worth of really rough introductions in less than an hour. Thankfully everybody had name tags, so even if I forgot someone’s name, they happily pointed to it. They also had our hometown on there. Mine was listed as Lancaster. That’s true, but I’m living in Saudi now … I can’t remember if the registration form had that space on there or if they just used the billing address for our credit card. Anyway, at first during the first timer’s I wasn’t saying much about my hometown. But by the end of the conference, people were pretty surprised that I was living and working in Saudi.

I walked from the first workshop to the second — and had to go past hundreds of other conference-goers to do so. Should I have been jumping in again and introducing myself? Yeah, probably. But the old me was still leading the charge. You’ve just stuttered your head off! Look at these people! You stutter still! Avoid at all costs! Go put on more deodorant, too!

Ok, ok. Fine, but we’re going to meet some new people eventually, dammit.

I went into the next workshop room and assessed the situation. Smaller room. The speaker would be standing up front, so he might call on me if I sat in front. Unacceptable. But I can’t sit in the back! No! I didn’t come all the way here to hide in the back. I’ll sit in the middle. Should I slide in next to someone who I know? I don’t know anybody. What about a stranger? I could meet someone here, right? You will! No, let’s just sit down and see what this is all about.

Let me just summarize what Steve ended up talking about — his stutter, how he overcame it through really hard work, and how some of those techniques to avoid and use other ways to communicate made him stand out from his peers. He also talked about the importance of body language and setting ourselves up for success before our mouths are even open — don’t slouch! He told us to focus on the message, not the stutter.

Body language is something I really need to read up on. I find myself slouching or tightening up my shoulders all the time. I’ve been trying to practice more eye contact as well.

I liked Steve’s talk. It was funny, it was upbeat, and I could definitely relate.

But as a first timer, there was something off (for me). Something didn’t add up.

I mean, I’m sitting there, someone who stutters, and this guy says he does too. Yet he’s fluently telling us about his past and present. He’s easily walking back and forth on stage, making eye contact, telling jokes, waving his hands here and there.

But then that was the point.

I started thinking about it more — he’s done this before. He’s told these stories before. He’s confident with his material and being in front of people. That was inspirational for me. That could be me. I want to be up there telling my story some day.

So what did I take away from this? Well, that your stuttering really doesn’t have to stop you from your goals. That you can either stutter openly and fight through it, use alternate communication methods or a combination of the two.

(Also, looking back on it, I should have taken more detailed notes — but hey, I’m learning for next year.)

Just for reference, on the first day of the Conference there were 17 workshops across three timeslots. This is a lot of the reason why I want to go next year (and forever after) — I saw a bunch of stuff on the program that looked/sounded interesting that I wasn’t able to attend.

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First Timer’s Workshop

July 14, 2014 by

Alright, so I’m finally back home after the visit Stateside and French-countryside. I was trying to think about how to recap all of this, and I think I’ll just do it in chronological order. So, the first workshop that I attended was the First Timer’s workshop.

Just to set the scene — there’s me, the covert stutterer who doesn’t like meeting people (well, having to introduce myself at least). I don’t like conferences because I had what was probably my most embarrassing moment at one (so those chairs, lighting, carpet, large numbers of people sort of make me nervous) and I was still thinking I could just walk out on the whole deal.

Anyway, I slowly made my way into the conference room, and there weren’t a lot of people there. I saw a younger guy sitting down near the door, so I went right up to him (into the deep end!). I said hello, and he introduced himself.

He stuttered.

Since leaving high school, I have never talked to anybody in person who stuttered. Never even met anybody else who stuttered. 17 years.

Alright, so now it’s my turn. I stutter out my own introduction. I then sit down next to this guy, Mark, and we talk. We’re both stuttering. So this is what I sound like to others.

After a few minutes, more people walk in. They fill in the seats. Then I see Pam from Stuttering Rockstar and a few others get up in front of us. Pam talk to us. The others also speak. They’re all stuttering. They don’t seem to mind at all.

They tell us that the point is not for them to talk to us — we’re all here to talk to each other!

Do what now?

Maybe we could go up in front and have them read our name to the crowd? Then I don’t have to? Maybe?

No.

Ok, now they’re done talking, and we’re all standing up, and I’m looking around nervously.

I flew all the way from Saudi for this so … I’m stuttering and introducing myself. I’m forcing myself to make some small talk. I’m trying to remember who I meet. I’m looking and staring at name tags after they introduce themselves.

I’m not going to lie — I’m targeting people who seem to be about my age. I’m interested in talking to them after this and over the next few days. Also, I’m trying to figure out how long to talk to people. I try to make some small talk and then break away to search for others. Oh, social situations. Should I just bust into a group and introduce myself? Look for others who are wandering like me? I slowly move about, bumping into people, introducing myself, saying hello, exchanging where we’re from and what we do.

I’m stuttering a lot, and it’s bothering me somewhat. I know I don’t stutter all that much, but that might be because I’m so comfortable with my current batch of friends/colleagues. But here at the conference I’m really struggling. Maybe it’s because I’m not used to making this kind of small talk? It’s been a while since I’ve answered these kinds of questions. On the one hand, I want to talk and practice, but on the other, I want to listen and find out where other people are from.

Before I know it, this very first workshop is over. What? Already? There are so many people here who I haven’t met!

I really wished it had gone on for maybe another half hour or even hour.

Now that that was done, I was feeling a little better. The uncertainty was gone. I belonged here, and these are my people! I was excited for what the remainder of the conference. And it was easy to meet people. Everybody was patient. Everybody was welcoming.

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Stuttering through Europe

July 12, 2014 by

Quick update from here in Luxembourg. I’ve spend the last day and a half in France chasing the Tour de France and in Luxembourg meeting Tom from The Stuttering Brain.

Obviously there are plenty of stories to tell including how I successfully (and without too much hesitation) busted out the high school French to ask a police officer what time the peloton was going to come by.

I’m flying back to Saudi on Saturday night, so by Sunday night or Monday I should be back to normal and posting on a daily basis again.

Tom especially brought up some very interesting points that I’ve got to consider and will share soon.

All in all, it’s been a great stuttering holiday as well as a chance to see Le Tour in person for the first time ever.

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When are these stuttering conferences?

July 9, 2014 by

Obviously last week was the 31st Annual National Stuttering Association conference. And you know what I thought about it — and will keep on thinking about it. But what about everybody who couldn’t make it? What other options are there to meet other people who stutter and talk about stuttering for a few days? (and of course, be able to stutter all day and all night without any inhibition).

Well during the conference, the NSA mentioned they’d do an “annual conference lite” in early October. Now that information is available on their site.

And of course the NSA lists a bunch of Family Fun Days on their Calendar page.

And what else is there? Why, plenty of course. Also at the NSA Conference, I learned about TISA – The Indian Stammering Association. They are planning their annual conference in early October as well.

The British Stammering Association has their annual conference coming up — it’s in Glasgow. I think next year I may try the NSA-BSA double.

I don’t see anything on the Canadian Stuttering Association’s page, but they have posted about a new meet up group for those who stutter. Looks like it’s just started.

The American Institute for Stuttering has an annual gala. A summary of 2014’s event can be found here.

Looks like the Irish Stammering Association doesn’t have an annual conference, but they have got a summer camp for teens.

On a somewhat related note, ASHA (American Speech-Lanugage-Hearing Association) also has an annual convention. I suppose if you stuttered, you could go crash it …

For Australia, I was able to find something that might help from the Speak Easy Association.

Lastly, I don’t know anything about the International Fluency Association, but they’ve got an event coming up in 2015.

Filed Under: NSA Conference, Uncategorized

Link Roundup – Last fortnight or so

July 9, 2014 by

Alright, so now a more traditional link roundup.

We’ll start with Pam at Make Room for the Stuttering. She’s put together some nice thoughts on the NSA Conference.

Also, I met Sam at NSA, and he’s posted his highlights from the conference.

He says:

I led a workshop on the struggles PWS often face on the phone and how we can master it instead of avoid it. After the workshop, a woman in the audience even approached me to tell me I inspired her to overcome her fear of the phone. I was so happy to help!

There were so many great workshops at the conference — I was sad that I had to miss some. Then again, that’s just motivation to go next year — fill in the gaps. And continue meeting amazing people.

The nice folks at Stutter Talk posted several talks during the conference. I should have hunted them down …

I know this is from early June, but I’m finding out about it now. It’s a review of ‘Out With It,’ by Katherine Preston on the Canadian Stuttering Association’s page.

The convoluted interaction between stutterer and unsuspecting listener is depicted, with neither knowing quite how to react, the results varying from traumatic to humourous. She employs various tricks to bypass her stuttering, such as avoidance, developing a huge vocabulary to navigate around difficult words, and choosing a small circle of empathetic friends.

Not sure about the circle of empathetic friends — I think since I never talked to my friends about it, I’ll never know, but everything else is pretty much spot on with regards to how I dealt with my stutter.

And something that’s awesome and horrible at the same time — McDonald’s is testing a new ordering app for your phone.

I say it’s awesome because obviously it saves me the trouble of stuttering out my order — and any changes I want to it — but it’s horrible because, well, I shouldn’t be afraid of stuttering in front of others. On the other hand, I’m not sure what the big deal about this is — at Wawa here in PA they have wonderful touch-screen ordering machines. You can build whatever kind of sandwich you want — and never have to talk to anybody! They’ve been around for years as well. Obviously as a former covert stutterer, the Wawa experience was absolutely magnificent.

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Link Roundup – Who I Met

July 9, 2014 by

Alright, I’m going to do two days of link round up goodness. Today will be a look at the people who I met at the NSA conference. I’ll have to update my Resources pages as well …

Tomorrow I’m flying out from the States to France for 3 days. Going to chase the Tour and meet up with Tom from The Stuttering Brain over in Luxembourg. It’s turning out to be quite the stuttering vacation. I will certainly try to set up some entries to post during my European adventures.

Ok, so first up is Pam from Make Room for the Stuttering. She spoke at the First Timer’s workshop, and I talked to her a little bit there and during the conference. She also spoke at the online panel discussion listed below.

What really got me right off the bat at the conference was that the people doing the workshops mostly stuttered. They were just up there, saying their piece, stuttering, smiling, and carrying on like it’s another normal day at the office.

Here’s a look at some of the leadership who were at the conference.

On I think what was the second day, I met Ben North at the Starbucks in the hotel lobby. He was standing in front of me. The person behind me asked what this conference was all about, and Ben replied. I thought, well, here we go, I’m here to meet people, so let’s keep meeting people. My usual state of sweating and being nervous surfaced, but Ben responded as everybody else did at the conference — with patience and understanding.

I was on a panel discussion hosted by Katie Gore regarding online communities for stuttering. Katie reached out to me through reddit. There’s a few people on reddit who discuss stuttering on a regular basis. Jump over there and join their discussion.

On that panel were:

Daniel Rossi, who wrote a book on stuttering. I bought the book and will start reading and reviewing it soon. He and Sam (below) work on Stutter Social.

Jacquelyn Revere. She’s started a vlog on stuttering.

Samuel was also on the panel. He talked about Stutter Social:

Stutter Social is an organization that connects people who stutter (PWS) through Google+ Hangouts. Participating in a Hangout is a fun, free, and safe way to connect with other PWS. Discussion often revolves around stuttering-related issues, but sometimes we just chat about our day or a good movie. We are a very welcoming and friendly bunch so don’t be shy and come join us whenever is convenient for you.

Not on that panel, but during the conference, I met Dhruv from the Indian Stammering Association. He’s working on setting up an annual conference for the Indian Stammering Association this October. Unfortunately I won’t be able to attend, but will find ways to help them out anyway.

I got to watch a movie about stuttering — not the King’s Speech, mind you. And no, I still haven’t seen that yet, either. Maybe I’ll finally watch it on the plane ride back to the Kingdom.

This Is Stuttering was shown during the conference. Watching Morgan stutter while talking on the phone during the film was just like watching myself. Morgan was also at the conference to talk about the movie and what has happened since releasing it to the public. If your friends don’t know what stuttering is like on a daily basis, by all means, send them the link.

Lastly, some people had mentioned going through therapy with the American Institute for Stuttering. I’m not going to pick one organization over another. I just happened to go to an NSA conference. My opinion is that the larger organizations are all there to help those of us who stutter, our parents, and children and teenagers.

So tomorrow will be a more traditional link roundup with stories from this past week and a half. If you’ve got any stories to share, do pass them along!

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Excuses, excuses

July 8, 2014 by

Clearly I missed the Sunday link roundup, but I have four somewhat-legitimate excuses:

1. I’m on vacation … so I am constantly losing track of what day of the week it is. No, really.

2. I went to the NSA Conference (see above) and well, the losing-track was in full effect. I often didn’t know what time it was — no windows + not a lot of clocks = casino-like state.

3. Because of the conference, there are a lot more links that deserve a lot more time in researching, snipping and commenting on. So I don’t want to half-ass anything for you.

4. I actually spent Sunday with my old college roommate in DC after the conference. Then I drove the 2-odd hours back up to PA where I’m staying with my parents.

That being said, I was thinking pretty hard about the conference during that drive up.

I was thinking about my feelings before the conference — how I didn’t like the idea of going to a conference that was about everything I hated about myself. I hated the idea of having to meet new people. I hated introducing myself. I hated seeing the word stuttering everywhere. I never talked about it to others, never sought help or support, and just hated myself for doing it. Why was I doing this?

But then I went to the conference, and my attitude changed about everything. I saw and heard and experienced so many awesome things.

On the drive back to my parent’s house I realized that the NSA Conference did have a lasting effect on me: I didn’t hate anything about myself anymore.

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Stuttering at the Conference Day 4 – Last day

July 6, 2014 by

Well today the NSA annual conference came to a close. It’s been a really amazing experience that definitely blew away any expectations that I had. I’m not sure what I really thought would happen before I showed up — maybe some seminars, sitting and listening, talking to a few people here and there.

It’s been so much more than that. Every workshop that I’ve gone to has really driven through the heart of my stuttering and given me new ways to look at it. There’s acceptance everywhere I turn here. Nobody finishes my words, phrases or sentences for me. They look at me, they make eye contact, and they wait patiently. I can say the words I want to say instead of the words that are easy to say. Nobody says stupid things like “did you forget your name?” or “you hardly stutter at all, you’re fine.”

Next year’s conference is in Chicago. I’ve already made up my mind that I’ll go. Whatever has to be done for scheduling, so be it. (Besides, many of the Middle East airlines fly direct to Chicago). I want to listen to others talk about stuttering again. I want to see the friends who I met over the past week. I want to be moved to tears — as I was twice today. I want to be mentally exhausted at the end of each day again. I want to scribble furiously in my little notebook as yet another speaker blows my mind with a new attitude or outlook that I never considered.

I want to meet new people, and I want to feel comfortable again in a room of a thousand people who get it.

I really wish I had gone to this conference when I was in high school. I’m not sure how different my life would have been, but I would have known that I wasn’t the only one. I would have known other kids going through the same experiences. I could have gone to seminars with adults who could have mapped out the next few years — the college years. I would have talked to people about all the uncertainty, the fear of speaking, and how it’ll be fine at the end of the day. I didn’t do all of that, but I’m doing it now. I’m 35, and I’m less covert in my stuttering as before. And that’s fine to come out on my own terms. And it’s even easier being here to see how others have done it, and how others have embraced it.

I’m going to go back over my notes over the next few days and see about how to relive some of the magic … I think I’ll devote a week to each day of the conference and elaborate on workshops and ideas that were presented. By all means, if you have any comments or stories, do send them along. As I said before, this site has only just started, and we’ve got a lot to cover.

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Stuttering at the Conference Day 3

July 5, 2014 by

Insanely late post today (well, I suppose I missed on the fourth) but of course it can be attributed to the July 4th Holiday as well as having a really good time at the conference. I was up til midnight just now talking and hanging out with newfound friends from the conference.

Again, just a quick roundup, and then I’ll get into these aspects (and others) after a few days/weeks.

1. I went to a workshop where several people talked in detail about being covert stutterers. I could pretty much relate to everything they said. So I’m definitely not alone. And then most of them decided that enough was enough and to be open about their stuttering. I’m coming to terms with that, but this blog (and going to the conference) are certainly steps in the right direction.

2. I did a “speed talking” workshop. Basically about 18 people sit facing 18 other people. Then we talk for 3 minutes. Then one side moves seats. So it’s like speed dating but with just … talking. It was rough having to introduce myself to so many people, but once I got through that, it wasn’t too bad. I really have been struggling with my first name, but hey, that’s always been an issue.

3. It turns out when you go watch Fourth of July fireworks with a bunch of newfound stuttering friends, you end up talking about what topics come to your mind — stuttering related or not. So it was nice to spend some time outside of the conference getting to know so many different people.

4. There were some instances of stuttering discussion that arose in our little group. So it was nice to commiserate about the phone with people who “get it.”

5. Still meeting new people. Overall I’m still very satisfied by the number of people who I’ve met and gotten to know. I think I’ll definitely stay in touch with all of them.

Tomorrow is the last day of the conference. I’ll actually be speaking at an Online Presence workshop … where I suppose I’ll elaborate on what I’m trying to do with this site.

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Stuttering at the Conference Day 2

July 4, 2014 by

Alright, so another great day at the NSA conference. As I said yesterday, I’ll post a few highlights this week and then expand on them in the weeks to come.

1. At the end of the day, I’m pretty tired mentally. I’m spending all day thinking and talking about stuttering. I’m stuttering a lot, and that’s ok. But meeting people is exhausting because well, I’m not used to doing it, and I stutter like crazy when I talk to strangers. So I have to keep “moving on” from the stutter in the conversation. I can’t let a lousy introduction get me down — the listener doesn’t care — they stutter too!

2. I went to a workshop on bilingual stuttering. As in, people who speak foreign languages who stutter. This went ahead and blew my mind because one of the moderators said she speaks a foreign language for work. And she stutters. When I think about my top like, five fears in life, that’s right up there. And here she was, stuttering and speaking in a foreign language and getting paid for it. Damn!

3. As part of the same workshop, she said how we deserve to speak a foreign language. I never really thought about it like this. As in, yes, I do stutter, yes, it’s going to be rough when I speak a foreign language, but hey, the listener can be patient, and I can enjoy speaking to them in their native tongue. I have been afraid of speaking Arabic for a long time, but this may change my mind a bit … slowly but surely. I don’t have to be perfect with everything I say in a foreign language.

4. I did an open mic workshop. It’s a simple concept. People in the room take turns standing up in front of everybody and talking. No prepared material, no specific topic, no order of appearance. So to recap: SPEAKING IN FRONT OF STRANGERS. I did end up volunteering, and I did end up talking. I said what I wanted to say (no real time to prepare or practice anything) and stuttered all the way through it. But you know what? So what. I stutter, so these things happen.

5. I’m also meeting more people slowly. I definitely didn’t have any quota in mind before I came here. But it’s nice just being able to go up to someone, stutter like crazy to introduce myself and then be able to chit-chat for a while. I’ve talked to people who stutter, parents of people who stutter and speech language pathologists.

There’s so much more that happened, but that’s a good roundup for now.

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Stuttering at the Conference Day 1

July 3, 2014 by

Well, today marks the first day of the NSA conference here in the DC. I’ll write way more about each workshop after I get back to Saudi, but in general, here are my thoughts so far.

1. After picking up my packet and checking into my room, I was still asking myself if this was the best idea. I could still walk out on the whole thing and spend a few aimless days in DC. I mean, for someone who stutters, going to a conference where you have to meet people is pretty intimidating.

1a. For those of you who don’t stutter, this is how things go down in my head:

Me: Let’s go to a conference and meet total strangers who stutter!
Self: No.
Me: Let me say it again: EVERYBODY THERE WILL STUTTER.
Self: Here’s what I heard: MEET TOTAL STRANGERS
Me: But they all stutter!
Self: But they’re strangers! I’ll stutter in front of them!
Me: Exactly!

2. Obviously I’m glad I sucked it up and went to the first workshop — for first timers. Still nervous, but Pam got up in front of all of us and put me at ease. She said she was in our shoes before. And felt nervous. But we’d meet people, we’d talk, and it’ll get better.

3. The main focus of the first timers workshop was to meet other first timers. So the hosts didn’t spend a lot of time talking. They let us mingle. This was scary for the first few minutes, but got way easier. In the end, I wished we had even more time.

4. I did introduce myself to the first person who I saw before the first timers conference. So for the first time in many years, I had a conversation with someone else who stutters.

5. I had a chance today to watch this documentary about stuttering. It was like a film about my own life. Damn. Definitely not alone at all.

Anyway, as I said, I’ll have way more on all the above in the weeks to come. For now I’m slowly taking in this conference. I’m hoping to meet more people … it’s only Wednesday today, so there’s plenty of time. Many of the other workshops also force social interaction which is pretty awesome.

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Stuttering in 35G

July 2, 2014 by

As I’ve said before, I’m a very social person — who’s stuck with this stuttering thing. If I don’t have to introduce myself (or start off with a random witty comment), I can usually chat people up without too many issues. Of course there’s still stuttering, but the lingering effects of an introduction don’t cloud the air as much.

Since I work in Saudi, I have to make some long flights back home — like the one I took a few days ago so I can go to the NSA conference. On the first flight, I had all three seats on the side to myself. (This was pretty nice, but I still have a hard time sleeping on airplanes.)

From London to Philly, however, a young lady sat next to me. This is about a 7+ hour flight.

So the considerations begin. Not only are there stuttering considerations, but general, “don’t by creepy” considerations. You definitely don’t want things to be awkward for the next 7 hours.

The stuttering, of course, starts right off the bat — I usually open with, “so …. where are you going?” If I’m not feeling that at all (the ‘w’ in ‘where’ being the sticking point) I might try to be more specific — “so … are you from Philly?” This one is also pretty tough because after the “so” comes out, there’s a horrid pause, and then no sound as I try to eek out a word that starts with a vowel. Sometimes I feel bad because they’re just sitting there. Staring at me. They can’t go anywhere. Captive audience! Ha!

Despite this, I always do try to initiate conversation if they’re not going to. I’m curious! They might be a friend of a friend of a friend! Maybe they work somewhere interesting or went to the same school I did. I need to know! I’ll never see them again for the rest of my life, but I need to know!

The main issue are those ‘w’ words: What do you do? Where are you going? When are you leaving to go home? Stutter, stutter and stutter.

The plane can be a really tricky place to try to talk because there are so many variables. First there’s trying to find something good to say. Then trying to find the right words that I won’t stutter on. Then when I’m ready to say them, making sure there’s not an announcement being made. Or someone else walking by saying “excuse me,” and getting my seatmate’s attention. Or maybe they’re still on their phone or getting a call while we’re at the gate. They might drop something and be distracted. Most of these things seem to happen as I’m trying to get a few words out. “I’m sorry, did you say something?” Eh … let me try to repeat myself.

Other horrid parts of the flight include having to give a drink order when I’m at the window seat. Why do I always feel like the flight attendant is in a hurry? Where are they going to go? But then I’m trying to say “diet coke” while my seatmate stares at me and while the flight attendant looks on indifferently. All that for 6 oz. Sometimes I’ll just say I’m fine and not ask for anything.

Assuming things get going in conversation, it’s important to stay away from being creepy and overly friendly. Keep things short and to the point. Try not to set up elaborate jokes. If you find out they’re much younger, there’s no need to delve into the daily actives of your three children.

The nice thing is that most people will understand the “um,” and then a point toward the back of the plane as the universal sign of, “move, so I can go to the bathroom. Please?”

Alternatively, there’s this.

I wonder if people don’t do these to me when they start to hear that I stutter …

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