Come by, say hello

August 23, 2023 by

I’ve been a little more active on X (Twitter) lately. And I wanted to welcome those of you who are following me there. I’m there mainly to broadcast whenever I have an update on this blog. For me I tend to have longer things to say about stuttering, so I’ve found the blog is the best format.

Although I’ve said what the purpose of this blog is, I thought I’d reiterate a few things for people who are new.

I’ve had this going for several years, so there are tens of thousands of words written about what I’ve gone through with regards to stuttering. I’ve talked about my childhood, teenage years, high school, college, and working. Job changes, life changes. And there are still a lot more to come.

Mainly I’m doing this for my younger self – the stuff I would have liked to have known back when I was a kid struggling with stuttering, being covert, and not knowing what I could make out of my life. In the past year or two I’ve not written as much as I did earlier. I think it’s because I’m in a different place mentally. I’ve really come to accept stuttering. So I felt that I shouldn’t give it as much attention. However, I realized that even though I was going through that, many others may not be. Some people may be coming to this site for the first time. And be looking for help or answers or some perspective. Now I think I want to take this up again and keep it updated, keep it relevant, and keep the links interesting. 

I’ve found so many people on X who are SLPs. Many don’t say stuttering/stammering specifically, but I wanted to connect to let everybody know that if you do run into someone who stutters, this site can be a great resource for stories. Please like, share, say hello, and spread the word as much as you can, and I look forward to connecting with more people and helping them on their journey, no matter the pace. It really means a lot to me when you do send a small note – it lets me know that people are really listening and getting something out of all this. 

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2020 Q1 Goals Update

April 14, 2020 by

Well, here it is. Something I’m not quite excited about doing as I should be. A goals update. As a reminder, here’s what I wanted to achieve this year:

  1. Reduce body fat by 7%
  2. Read 6 fiction and 6 nonfiction books
  3. 25 blog posts
  4. 30,000 meters of rowing per month
  5. Run a November 5k in under 30 minutes
  6. Keep library fines to under $30 annually
  7. Reduce ten items per month from the house

Let’s go through them one by one. I’m not going to lie and say I have beautiful data. I have some good guesses. But I’ll be brutally honest at the end at least.

  1. Reduce body fat by 7% – Nope, and not on track. No change this first quarter. No fundamental changes to diet or exercise.
  2. Read 6 fiction and 6 nonfiction books – Yes! I did complete two of each. While that leaves me slightly behind, I can easily make this up. I’ll put together a list of the books at my next update.
  3. 25 blog posts – Q1 had 9 posts. So I’m on track to beat this goal.
  4. 30,000 meters of rowing per month – Big no on that one.
  5. Run a November 5k in under 30 minutes – It’s not November yet! Although I did move at the end of March and still haven’t put the treadmill back together.
  6. Keep library fines to under $30 annually – Yes! But only because the library is closed. I think I had $23 in Q1 (I know, I know).
  7. Reduce ten items per month from the house – Maybe? I moved, and definitely threw a lot of crap out.

So let’s see … 7 goals, 3.5 on track, 3.5 not on track. I’d give myself a solid C for 2020 Q1.

Here comes the best part though — the list of excuses! That’s right. I have … reasons … for my shortcomings. Mainly they’re around the stress of COVID, being at home all the time and constantly on work calls through the day. I also got promoted in early March, so the past few weeks have been even busier. Then of course there was the house move in the background all the time. And if that would even happen — we ended up closing in the parking lot behind the title company’s office.

Progress on the “mental” goals more than the physical. But with warmer months coming up, I should be able to tighten things up. I am considering getting some sort of online trainer set up so I have more accountability. Working through the finances of that first.

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Summertime Stuttering

August 9, 2018 by

Well, what a summer it’s been. We’ve moved from Indiana to Pennsylvania, moved into a house we bought, and got the kids sorted out with summer fun. This includes season passes to Hersheypark which is pretty awesome. I could sing its praises all day long.

I’ve also started up the National Stuttering Association’s Lancaster-York-Harrisburg chapter. We have been meeting at Speechcare, a local SLP office. Our host actually ran the group many years ago, so she was happy to help get it going again. I felt very comfortable starting and helping to run the meetings after going to a years’ worth of meetings in Indianapolis. The biggest lesson to learn was that it’ll start slow, and that’s ok. If you spend a year with just a half dozen people, that’s completely normal. So I’m pleased to say we’ve got at least four of us who stutter as well as our host.

As part of the big move back to Lancaster — where I grew up — I’ve had to call a lot of companies for medical, dental, addresses, etc., It’s been quite a grind. I didn’t have the luxury of a lot of houses to choose from, so of course we ended up on a street that I have trouble saying. And we live in Lititz, not Lancaster … not that Lancaster is any easier to say anyway. But I’m getting through them. Trying to ignore them once I hang up and it’s gone rough. Focusing on the wins and moving forward with getting things done and set up.

I’ve been at the new job for six months, and I’ve become very, very comfortable speaking with everybody here. We just got a new plant manager, and during our one-on-one, I did advertise up front that I’m someone who stutters. I made a point to tell him that I’m not someone who gets nervous, so don’t think it’s that.

The start of school is next. Everything will begin near the end of August. I have a goal to get more involved with the schools here — the same ones I went to as a kid. So I’m very excited about that. I also need to inquire about any coaching opportunities since that’s something I did in Indiana.

More to follow.

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Stuttering Awareness Day

October 22, 2017 by

Today, October 22nd, is Stuttering Awareness Day. I’ll admit … I’ve not done anything for it. Other than update this blog, I suppose. My speech as of late has been off an on. I’ve been experimenting slightly with my diet. I have found that the cleaner I eat, the marginally better my speech is. I need to string together a few more weeks of that.

I did have a chance to speak with a speech therapist the other day. She’s the mother of two boys who are good friends with our youngest son. We were all at the park together. I struck up the conversation, saying that I heard that she’s a speech therapist. And then said something I rarely say, “Well, I’m someone who stutters…”

It’s funny because part of me probably doesn’t advertise because I stutter on … the word stutter. And usually before that my speech is good when I’m just making some small talk. And in some ways I feel like stuttering on stutter would kill the conversation. I’ve never thought of what happens after that, really. Do we all stare awkwardly at each other?

What’s interesting about being someone who stutters — and I bet we all do this — is that I can recall every conversation I’ve had with a “stranger” for the past few days. Not family and friends, but random exchanges. I can spend a lot of time overanalyzing them, too. Like at my oldest son’s baseball game yesterday, speaking with one of the parents. Like at the camera shop asking about a piece of equipment. The simple stuff in the elevator.

I’m sure that every year I say I’ll get better at advertising. Or talking about stuttering with strangers. I think these days I’m better about engaging with strangers, yes. Educating about stuttering? Probably not. On the bright side, with every conversation comes that chance, so hopefully in the next 12 months I’ll have more of those stories.

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Next project

July 29, 2017 by

Yes, I know, I’m still working through my Stuttering Tournament. But I have a quick project that I’d like to knock out in the next few days.

I’d like to start collecting YouTube videos of … famous people who stutter. Not famous people who said they have stuttered, but people who go out on tv today and aren’t afraid to stutter.

I get the whole thing about famous people who used to stutter. Overcoming it. But for me and millions of others, it’s not a reality that we’ll ever have. I’d rather show people that look, you stutter from the time you wake up until you go to bed, and so do these other people on tv, and it just feels much more relatable.

So what I’ll do is add a page just for the videos and start compiling with updates on the front page if there’s a bunch I’ve just put on.

Please send any along in the comments.

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Stuttering Tournament

March 18, 2017 by

Well, it’s NCAA Tournament time, and since my alma mater isn’t in it, I’ve got the mental capacity for my own tournament. (And was rather amused by being able to autofill in a dozen brackets on ESPN).

So here’s what we’re going to do. Since 64 is going to end up being a long list (and it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want) I’m going to list 32 stuttering circumstances, and we’re going to find out the most unpleasant one. Now I understand about acceptance and testing the waters and putting yourself out there, but this is for fun, and this is looking back on what life was like growing up — and about a lot of the feelings that have been burned in. I also know there are a lot of things I didn’t/couldn’t include. There’s a lot of mental blocks that could probably be in their own tournament.

So of course we’re going to have four regions, and then 8 circumstances. Our four regions will be:

Phone, Audiences, Food, and One-on-One

In my view, here’s the seeding for each. This is based on how uncomfortable I’d be for each. Your circumstances may certainly differ! In the coming days I’ll describe each of these more in a paragraph, and then the tournament will get going next Friday with the first matchups. By the end of next weekend, we’ll be down to the last 8.

If you have comments or think a seeding should be different, let me know!

Phone

  1. Cold-calling a senior person at a company
  2. Making an urgent phone call
  3. Calling in a food order to a busy, noisy place
  4. “Going around the room” on a conference call
  5. Phone interviews
  6. Cold-calling a business to ask them detailed questions
  7. Ordering a new service (i.e. cable, new gym, etc.)
  8. Speaking to parents of your students (if you work with students)

Audiences

  1. Being asked to make a speech on the spot (including introduction)
  2. Giving a wedding speech
  3. Reading religious text aloud at a service (church/mosque/temple)
  4. Meeting and speaking in front of the family of your partner
  5. Fielding questions from a group
  6. Presenting at work
  7. Running a meeting at work
  8. Responding when called on directly in front of a group (class, meeting)

Food

  1. Ordering for a noisy car full of people at the drive-thru
  2. Saying grace/prayer for a meal in front of family
  3. Ordering food at a bar when the bartender is busy
  4. Complaining about food or service at a restaurant
  5. Giving a custom order at a busy lunchtime
  6. Ordering while at a business lunch
  7. Speaking in a dark and/or loud restaurant over other people
  8. Asking for a menu clarification

One-on-one

  1. Going on a blind date
  2. Confronting a neighbor you’ve never spoken to before
  3. Interjecting / trying to interrupt someone
  4. Getting pulled over and speaking to an officer
  5. Being interviewed while being recorded
  6. Immigration official at an international border crossing
  7. Meeting friends of friends
  8. Answering detailed questions about your work and personal life when getting to know someone
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Well Said: Toronto Speech Therapy

February 17, 2017 by

One of the things I wanted to try to do a long time ago was to have guest posts and interviews with SLPs. So! Finally after a few years, here we are.

Melissa James, B.A., M.H.Sc. (Reg. CASLPO), was nice enough to send along a post. She is the director at Well Said: Toronto Speech Therapy.

From their site:

We are Toronto’s speech therapy clinic for adults where you can work with registered speech-language pathologists to improve your speech, social or communication skills. Our work focuses on practical, real-world outcomes. From a lisp to social skills, our registered professionals help you develop the confidence that you need. Our services are always founded in research-based approaches that have helped thousands of others.

From Well Said: Toronto Speech Therapy:

Top 6 Tips for Letting Go of Your Feelings About Stuttering

Stuttering is painful, not in the stub your toe kind of painful, but a deep, chronic worry and frustration, emotional kind of painful. This leads many adults who stutter to a speech therapist’s office to help reduce their stuttering. In the past, you would expect to work on slowing down, using voicing, breathing, and other tricks to help you speak more fluently. While this type of therapy has research efficacy, a significant proportion of adults find that this therapy works only as a temporary fix. And another common complaint with this type of tools therapy is that people feel like they’re putting on a mask. Masking the disfluencies can be a great thing for someone who feels neutral about their stuttering. Unfortunately, most adults who have an emotional history with their stuttering that is far from neutral. For someone who has struggled with stuttering their entire life the feeling about their stuttering: the anxiety, negative thoughts, avoidance of situations are worse to cope with than the actual stuttering.

For these people who stutter a new approach to stuttering treatment has been developing steam in the speech therapy community. This type of treatment focuses on healing the psychosocial and emotional aspects of stuttering. Years of coping with stuttering certainly does take a psychological toll and this approach to new stuttering treatment is designed to alleviate the emotional pain rather that the stuttering itself. This new approach (let’s call it a counseling approach) to stuttering therapy has some good research behind it. Research has shown that not only were people who stutter feeling more accepting of their stutter and positive about themselves after working with a speech-language pathologist who used this approach AND –  the frequency of stuttering decreased and gains were still evident three months later. This means that working on your stuttering with a speech therapist who uses the counseling approach will help you feel better and decrease the number of stuttering moments at the same time. Are you surprised to hear this? Probably not. As someone who stutters, you know that when you are having a bad day when your mind is cluttered with worry and negative thoughts, your speech is less fluent. And, when you are feeling care-free, like during a relaxing vacation, your speech becomes your most fluent. This research does well at capturing something you already knew: your mood affects your fluency. And so, now speech therapist’s can work with you on helping you reduce anxiety, increase vulnerability, feel more positive, and more accepting of your stuttering which together will reduce the stuttering.

Here are the top 6 tips for letting go of your feeling about stuttering:

1. Journal – Journalling has life-changing powers to develop your self-reflection, emotional processing, and insight. When you journal about your experience with stuttering, you are reorganizing your feelings into thoughts and confronting them in a safe way which will allow you to get all the “feels” out and down on paper rather than ruminating over how you should or could have said it better.

2. Practicing Gratitude –  Getting into the habit of noticing why you are lucky or what you are grateful for has been demonstrated in research to improve one’s wellness. For adults who stutter taking a few minutes to take perspective on what you have going for you can be very helpful in improving your feeling about stuttering.

3. Mindfulness – Mindfulness is a hot topic in the psychology disciplines right now. Several articles are written on a daily basis on the benefits of mindfulness from depression to anxiety, to anger management to stuttering. Mindfulness is essentially taking time out of our modern 2017 lives to disconnect and focus gently on our being without judgment. I personally like yoga as a mindfulness practice. Some people really like guided relaxations. You can find guided relaxations on the internet here.

4. Envisioning your goals realized – I often ask clients to collect images and put them together in a collage that represents how they want their lives to look in 5-10 years. This task of visualizing the future for my clients who stutter has been helpful in shifting the focus away from speech and on to the real values. By focusing on how you want your life to look in five years, we can at a glance see what is important to you. And from there, we can work backward and formulate a plan for how we get there with stuttering.

5. Checking the evidence – See if you can challenge your own thinking when you notice a negative thought passing through your internal dialogue. For example, did you just think to yourself – oh, she probably thinks I am incompetent – stop yourself and ask ok, wait a minute this thought is unhelpful and what evidence do I have to prove this is true? You may want to read more about unhelpful thoughts if you think this strategy would work well for you.

6. Most importantly, you shouldn’t feel bad about stuttering and you shouldn’t call your a dysfluency a “mistake” or a “mess up” We have to change our language about our stuttering to make it neutral. When we describe something using neutral language, our minds are less likely to associate it with a negative emotion.

Do you have any strategies that you used to deal with the unhelpful feelings and thoughts around stuttering?

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NSA Conference 2017

January 31, 2017 by

The National Stuttering Association’s annual conference is happening again this July, this time in Dallas.

http://www.westutter.org/annual-conference/

At the moment, I’m planning on going. I’ve gone to three in a row now, and have enjoyed them immensely. You can read about some of my past conference experiences here on the site.

Admittedly I didn’t do the greatest job of writing up this last conference, but the others were slightly better. When I first went to the conference, I didn’t know what I’d get out of it. I got some really solid stuttering friends! And I still talk with them three years on. I always get some new insight to stuttering as well. A totally different angle or approach than what I would have thought up on my own.

The research updates are also interesting. Even if there’s not some huge cure-all breakthrough, it’s fascinating to hear how researchers are learning more and more.

I think my goal this year will definitely be trying to connect with more people who stutter. I know there are others like me — young professionals — married or not, kids or not. It would be great to hear about their backgrounds — college, first jobs, second jobs, interviews, having kids, meeting neighbors, the whole bit.

Will you be going?

 

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Stuttering Saudi Thoughts

January 17, 2017 by

Today, January 17, marks the six year anniversary of when I landed in Saudi. I’ve since moved back, but a lot of those early dates and activities really stick in my mind.

I think back on all the stuttering changes that have happened since then and because of my time in Saudi.

1. Just getting there required a lot of talking and getting out of my comfort zone. I had been in the same role for over 3 years. The office and lifestyle were fairly comfortable, and we had bought a house, too.

2. Going from Rehan with a long “e” to the Arabic pronunciation — and feeling the stuttering just disappear. Once that name-saying came out fluently, it made conversations so much easier. I still stuttered, but I thought about it much less.

3. Finally speaking French. I had learned so much French in high school but never used it. During my time in Saudi, I met French people and even traveled to France, confidently using what I had learned. And I didn’t die!

4. Starting up this blog. I had been thinking about it for many, many years. I had journals, slips of paper, marked up printouts, everything. But nothing out in public. Then one day I said, alright, what’s the worse that could happen. Sure the first year saw tons of posts, but the feelings are still trickling out.

5. Going to the NSA Conference. Along with the blog and being “out,” I could afford to go to the NSA Conference and meet so many others who also stuttered. And I made a great group of friends who I still talk with.

I know that everybody’s stuttering journey is not the same — maybe you went through the same stuff I did at age 16. Or 46. But for me everything felt right. Do I wish I had come out about it earlier? Maybe. But then maybe in some ways I wasn’t prepared for it as much. I had other things going on, other distractions. Saudi gave me a no-travel, stable, well-paying job for 5.5 years that allowed me to focus on stuttering. And for that I will always be grateful.

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My 2017 Stuttering Plan

January 9, 2017 by

That’s right! I have a plan for how much I’m going to stutter this year. Not really. I looked back at the beginning of 2016 — what were my resolutions on this site for stuttering? Avoid less? Engage more? Sadly it turns out I didn’t blog at all in January 2016 so … guess I didn’t have anything to work on!

If you’ve somehow managed to read this blog for enough months, you’ll notice my enthusiasm (maybe that’s not the right word) for posting has dropped off a lot in the past few months. It was great in the first year (as expected). I talked about all this with a close friend, and it was suggested I just set a simple goal and work toward that.

So let’s do that. Two posts a week.

There’s no shortage of what to blog about — my own life, movies, pop culture, articles out there, international conferences, and of course the annual NSA conference.

What works for everybody? Tuesdays and Fridays?

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Moved back. And still stuttering.  

August 17, 2016 by

There have been a lot of big changes since I posted last. The biggest being that we moved from Saudi back to the States. I’m at the same company, but in a different office. It’s by my own choice. Work was slowing down in Saudi, and there was a nice opportunity to move to Indiana — into an office I’ve worked in before.

I also went to the NSA Conference for the third time, met up with some old friends and met some new people as well.I have been noticeably stuttering a lot more. A lot. I don’t mind it too much. It’s easy to see now how it’s due to so many changes. Not just the move, but the need to get on the phone more, talk to people about what’s going on more, and helping the kids get adjusted to life in the States. We’d been out of the country for more than five years, so it’s a big change to come back.

I’ve also started going to NSA chapter meetings here in Indy. For the first time ever. I’ve only gone to one meeting thus far, but I enjoyed the experience tremendously. It’s just nice to feel that continuation of the conference, really. A place where I can stutter openly, not have to avoid as much, and practice techniques.

I have every intention to keep this blog going as much as possible. I have a lot of stories to tell just from the past few weeks. I’ve been on the phone a ton. I’ve challenged myself a lot more. I’ve had friends challenge me. Work is good; nobody has said anything negative at all. I’m having to introduce myself a lot more as well which is rough but manageable.

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Blogging and Stuttering

November 10, 2015 by

So it turns out that keeping up a blog is a lot like keeping up good habits with regards to stuttering. There’s a lot of enthusiasm at first, you practice almost every day, you get some encouragement, you go to a conference, you meet some people, and you think it’ll magically carry on on its own.

Well, it definitely doesn’t.

I don’t always remember to breathe. To make a call plan before using the phone. To run conversations at my own pace.

But, much like this blog, it’s something that’s always at the back of my mind. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I really want out of this blog and how to schedule my life around it. I think maybe the bigger question is, what do I want out of my stuttering and how do I want to schedule my life around making that better? Are they the same question?

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ISAD 2015

October 14, 2015 by

I suppose if I’m not going to be writing much, then I should be reading and commenting on stuttering. And it’s October, so that means that ISAD Conference is going on.

You can head over to the International Stuttering Awareness Day site and see a lot of great articles on stuttering. I’m pretty sure last year I said I’d go through a bunch and comment on them. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t do that. At all. I’ll try again this year, though!

Head over and have a look. It’s well worth it.

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I suppose this proves a point

October 13, 2015 by

Been a month since I posted! I suppose this proves a point, though. As I’ve said before, I get more comfortable in situations — new city, new job, new people. I moved into this job back in January. It’s been nearly 10 months, and yes, I’m pretty comfortable.

What was intimidating and a bit nerve-wracking at first (speaking up during some meetings, making a call here and there, explaining things to strangers) has become a normal routine.

And so, since I’m not thinking about stuttering as much (but still, of course, stuttering) I think my mind is off of the blog.

That being said! I still have plenty of conference stuff to go through as well as the ISAD on Oct 22 and the ongoing online stuttering conference. And of course the twitter feed on the right is always a good source for stuttering articles.

I think I need to still find a good balance between posting and living with my stutter. I’m thinking a 2 or 3 times a week thing would be good. Daily was definitely too ambitious, but it did work out for a while when I had stuttering on my mind more.

The other thing that’s been happening is simply the busy of work. The days are passing by very, very quickly now. The weather in Saudi is changing (for the better) and the days are heinously short.

And what am I stuttering on? Well, I did have to make a few doctors appointments this evening. I did that in person. And I felt comfortable. Took a big deep breath, explained what I needed (checkup for the daughter, Botox refresh for me — yes, it’s already worn off!). And it was sorted as I hoped. I even managed to stutter only a little bit on the “one” in my telephone number. Nice win.

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Back from Vacation

July 13, 2015 by

Just a quick post to say that I’m back to Saudi from the NSA Conference and then almost a week of vacation chasing the Tour de France. Last year I only chased the Tour for about 2 days. This time it was four full days followed up by a concert in London.

For the whole vacation, I spoke a lot more French than last year. This being related to meeting someone at the conference from Canada (the French-speaking part) and then when I was in France, having dinner with family friends of my traveling companion.

I even told one of the family friends that I stuttered! I knew the word for it because I learned it at the conference.

I won’t say it was all a success — I still hid from a speaking opportunity here and there. But overall it felt good to get out there and stutter away, happily saying and asking what I wanted to.

In the next few days I’ll post about my overall conference experience, comparisons to last year, workshop-by-workshop descriptions, and then a brief on France and a day in England for the concert.

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Stuttering Progress after a Year

April 29, 2015 by

Well, well, here we are, one year on, and 199 posts in. Almost made 200!

Today I went to the hospital to get that MRI of mine all sorted out and set up. Here in Saudi it’s a fun adventure of going from office to office, registration desk to check-in desk, building to building. And the signs are pretty lousy, so it’s all-day affair.

I don’t keep any sort of quantitative track of my stuttering. But casually, I’d say today was a huge success — and big improvement of even a year ago.

The main thing was to get answers about the anesthesia and how that was all going to work. Before that though there was another meeting with the neurologist. While I didn’t have a call plan per se, I did have a few key things I wanted to know about, and I got my questions answered — even though I did stutter.

And going from office to office, I often had to hand a piece of paper to someone behind a desk (and a veil) and ask if I was in the right place. Some stuttering, not much. But usually a deep breath, a confident stride up to the counter, and a strong, fluent question. There were not as many people around as well — made things a lot easier.

I was asked my name a bunch of times — they do this as a checking measure — and using the Arabic pronunciation, I had no problems. I think that added to the confidence side of the table in a huge way.

The progress I’ve had even over just a year is a huge win — not just with calling a credit card company or whatever, but particularly with going to the doctor and getting my health sorted out. What I would have done before (covert, avoiding more, what-have-you) would have been to check things online, called my brother the doctor, played it all down, avoided going, avoided calling, avoided setting up appointments, the whole bit.

The MRI is set up for Sunday, by the way.

A year on, nearly 200 posts, and well, there’s still plenty more to stutter on and say. I hope you’ll stick around.

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Slight stuttering blog changes

April 8, 2015 by

A little over a month ago I talked about making some changes to the site. I’ve finally started doing so now. There’s a menu bar across the top that points to several pages. At this time, those pages are just a framework. There are some links, but not nearly enough. Now that it’s up there, it’ll keep me accountable to mine the Internet for specific information about stuttering.

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