Struggling the Most

I’ve said recently that my stuttering hasn’t been too bad the past two years since the new job began. But I do still stutter. I always will. I’ve come to accept this.

So what am I stuttering on lately? Or what conditions seem to make it worse? I’d say unpreparedness.

I had to think for a while about this since things move slow enough — or maybe I’ve just figured out better how to control them — so that I’m rarely unprepared. This mostly happens in a meeting when I’m asked about something completely off-topic. The good news is that I work with people who are patient. So if I need to take a moment to say, “let me think,” they usually do. And then I can look something up on the computer or rack my brain trying to recall what the issue was.

I’d say it only gets worse if there’s a peppering of questions by others for me. Then usually what happens is that I’ll stumble for answers as I’m trying to think. Then while I’m thinking and speaking and stuttering, I’m also forgetting the other thing that they need to know. So a few questions in, and I’m already trying to backtrack and fix a mistake I said two minutes ago.

Just writing about this is making me feel stressed! I can feel it unfolding on the phone on a conference call or in a room with a lot of hard stares.

Adding to the stress is usually the slow realization, during questioning, that I may have completely missed something or screwed something up royally. Or that forgetting about something that has now come back to bite me. Stress goes up, my breathing gets way out of whack, and I’m stuttering all over the place.

Breathe.

But like I said. I usually try to stay organized and prepared so that I don’t have to go through an ambush interrogation. The stress stays at a nice low level. I can breathe. I can let my words out slowly. I can focus on the content versus whatever small stutter I do encounter.

Morning Meetings

Since I work at a manufacturing plant, there’s a need to make sure everybody is aligned every day on what’s going on with production. To that end, there’s a morning meeting. I usually try to sit in on these, just to listen what’s going on, if there’s any issues I can help with (my responsibilities are more long-term, not daily) or if there’s a problem that keeps happening that I can try to wrap a project around.

I’ll often need to talk about project work or something we are trying to do, engineering-wise, during the upcoming year to address long-standing issues.

My usual approach is to listen to the first half of the meeting and then think if there’s something I should add. Oddly, I don’t rehearse this in my head. I just think of what it is, and that’s about it. The last part of the meeting the supervisor will go around the room and ask if the participants have anything to add.

When I was a kid, this was obviously the worst part. Knowing they’d come to me, and I’d have to say yes or no or whatever. But during these meetings, after having done them for so long, I’m not afraid. There’s a feeling that I have to share what I know. I’m comfortable with the group. Everybody is patient with me. We usually laugh during these meetings, so nobody is too uptight.

When they call my name, I always — always — remember to take a deep breath. Then I take another shorter break and start talking. I try not to think about saying the words. I focus on the content. Make sure that I’m being clear and specific with my comments. Because usually if I have to add something, it means that it’ll impact a few people in the room, on the floor, or with regards to production going out to customers.

If there a few items, I’ll have written them down in my notebook. Then after each is brought up, I’ll just continue down the list.

Have I stuttered before during this meeting? Oh, heavens yes. It happens fairly often. But nobody is bothered by it. I’m not, either. I either just power through the word, or take a quick break and try again, making sure to take a breath. I have found that focusing on breathing really helps me not only relax, but with speech in general.

2020 Goals in Detail

Last week I talked about my goals for this year. I’d like to explain them a little further, and maybe they can help motivate you to think of some goals for yourself.

Reduce body fat by 7%

To me this is about eating better, not necessarily working out a lot more. I need to start making better choices about eating food and reducing the amount of refined sugar. I also need to get more disciplined about carrying out speech experiments with regards to intake — does gluten affect my speech? Soy? (I have a soy allergy which is another post altogether). If I ate clean for a week, would I feel more calm and stutter less?

Read 6 fiction and 6 nonfiction books

I have a habit of reading too much nonfiction. When I do read fiction, I tend it whip through it in 2-3 days. This reminds me of childhood when I’d just lie on my bed for hours devouring everything that I could. In this goal will also be stuttering-related books so that I can post some thoughts/reviews on the blog.

25 blog posts

The past few years have not been the best for this blog despite the fact that I … still stutter. I was looking back at my notebooks from 2014 the other day, and on almost every page was something stuttering related. (These are notebooks that I keep for work-related scribbling). So when I launched the blog, my mind was completely filled with stuttering. It’s also when I went to my first NSA conference.

30,000 meters of rowing per month

This has more to do with daily discipline. I have a rowing machine in my bedroom. When I wake up, I should be rowing 500 meters to warm up, and then 2,000 meters as exercise. This would take less than 15 minutes altogether and get the day off to a great start. By doing 2,500, I’d only have to get on the rower three times a week.

Run a November 5k in under 30 minutes

I hate running. I’m a big guy (245 lbs) and it’s hard on … everything. But I also know it’s good for me, and I know it’s good to set goals. I originally had a November goal, but I may have to pull that up to a 10k in March. I’m trying to get some friends to come along with me. With regards to stuttering, the constant aerobic demand should do me well for breathing. And the longer-term nature of this goal will help me to stay patient and focus on the big picture.

Keep library fines to under $30 annually

This one has nothing to do with me stuttering and everything to do with me needing to stay on top of the little things around the house. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere, I think.

Reduce ten items per month from the house

I had read somewhere regarding living more simply that the items in your house weight you down to some extent. You have to see them every day, think about them, take care of them, and move them when you move. Although I’ve moved a few times and have trimmed down items each time, it always seems to creep back up. As I look around my bedroom, I can already see a few things that I just have … to have. This should help me clear my mind and thus reduce my overall stress. Surely that’ll also help with my stuttering, right?

Slowly updating

Along with a renewed vigor for posting to the site, I’m working through all the static pages and updating them. Today I refreshed the About page. It had been three years! I’m not 37 anymore …

I also updated the e-mail address at the bottom of the About page, but you can also always just comment on any post as well.

Also, at the end of this month, I’ll have been at my new job for two years. Hard to believe that I was just sitting in on several interviews. It’s the first job where I advertised from the start — screening phone call, hiring manager, plant folks on site, and then when I got the job, introducing myself to all the other managers.

I would definitely say it’s made life a lot easier. There have been some new folks at the plant and elsewhere, but the advertising to them has been very straightforward as well. My stress is reduced — when I do stumble on words, I don’t even think about the stutter. I just think, ok, let me regroup and get some words together. I also don’t swap out words — ok, maybe once in a while. Can’t lie. Sometimes I just don’t want to stop the speech!

I think that since the stuttering isn’t at the front of my everyday speech anymore, I’ve let the blog slide. But going through twitter and reading updates on Facebook groups, I realize there are still thousands of people out there who stutter who are on the same journey.

A new year of stuttering

Happy New Year, everybody! I hope everybody’s holidays went well. I had a very relaxing end of year. There was a lot of work at the plant (gotta spend money or you’ll lose it for next year) so that was a good kind of busy.

I also had a lot of time to reflect on my stuttering and also this blog. Where I want it to go in the next decade. I’ve written a lot on here, but there’s still plenty to be said. For instance, I usually don’t comment on Facebook stuttering group posts. I think I’ll start to do that — by posting my response on here. It’ll allow for a longer response that will be more easily searchable. The other nice aspect is that it should give me a steady stream of content through the year.

Speaking of goals, I have a few for 2020. All of them are measurable (they’re SMART goals if you’re into that sort of thing). Here we go:

  1. Reduce body fat by 7%
  2. Read 6 fiction and 6 nonfiction books
  3. 25 blog posts
  4. 30,000 meters of rowing per month
  5. Run a November 5k in under 30 minutes
  6. Keep library fines to under $30 annually
  7. Reduce ten items per month from the house

There you have it. I’ll go into further details on the next post what each of them accomplish. And yes, the library fines one is a bit ridiculous, but I have this silly habit of getting out a bunch of books (as do my kids) and then forgetting about them. I feel like two weeks is pretty short checkout time, but then again, I could just set myself a reminder to either renew and/or go to the library.

I may up the 25 blog posts depending on some other ideas that I have for this blog. But that will take a serious renewed commitment to writing. At the moment 25 would represent two per month. Certainly doable. One on how my stuttering is going, and one on answering Facebook questions that I find. I just feel that I can do a whole lot more, so I’m trying to work out what that level of engagement should be.

So! I hope you all have some goals lined up for 2020. I will be checking in on my here on the blog on a monthly basis. Y’all can help keep me accountable.

 

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