Stuttering away for a week

Alright, so the family and I will be off to Dubai for a week of vacation. The Eid holidays are happening here in Saudi (end of Ramadan) so we get a few days off. There’s a lot more for the kids to do in Dubai than here, so we figured why not.

I will certainly try to post this week if/when I can, but otherwise will be trying to speak and say whatever I want instead of whatever I can.

I’m still working on going through each of the workshops that I attended at the annual NSA conference, so there’s a lot more goodness there. Plus my French-speaking adventures in France chasing the Tour for two days and then meeting with Tom Weidig from The Stuttering Brain.

There’s also a steady stream of stuttering posts and information showing up on Twitter these days, so plenty of chances for commentary there as well.

As always, feel free to rifle through the archives and shoot me an e-mail or post a comment!

Stuttering at the open mic

The second workshop on the second day was Open Mic.

It’s a simple premise, really. There’s the microphone, a room full of conference-goers, and that’s it. So you suck it up, take the mic, and start talking. To a bunch of strangers. About whatever you want.

Deep breath. I’m doing this, I’m doing this, I’m doing this.

I walked in there with someone who I met the first day. After the host explained the deal, my friend stood up and took the mic. Just like that. He didn’t even think about it, he just did it. Again, seriously? This is how people are rolling here?

After he was done, another hand went up, another person got up to speak. Everybody stuttered. Everybody in the audience listened attentively. I sat there in awe. Yes, I had just been to a few workshops where people made comments and stuttered. Or the presenters stuttered. But here are a bunch of people just getting up and putting themselves out there. Strangers to strangers.

About half an hour in, I looked around the room and started doing the math. There were way more people in here than time allowed. There was another open mic event later in the conference, though. I started making excuses in my head. The covert in me made an appearance and started making really persuasive suggestions.

No.

I came here to listen, yes, but I also came here to talk.

I put my hand up after someone finished. Don’t think about it. Just stand up and get up there. Start talking. Stop thinking so much.

I had been doing some thinking while in my seat. What would I say? I would talk about how I told my friends I would be attending a stuttering conference. And how all of them said the same thing — that they knew I stuttered, but it didn’t seem like a big deal to them (or me). But of course it was.

So I got up there. And tried to introduce myself. And stuttered. And then I started in on this little reflection. And stuttered some more. And more. But again, nobody reacted negatively. They just sat there and listened. I kept things short, and then sat back down. That was it. I felt good. I had faced the stuttering head on, and it didn’t do anything to me. I lived through it.

What was becoming a little alarming to me was how badly I was stuttering during the conference. This public speaking attempt really highlighted it. But then I thought, well, I’m definitely out of my comfort zone, I didn’t prepare anything, and I barely do any public speaking to strangers anyway. And oh yeah, you do stutter, and that’s not going to just go away because you think it should.

All in all it ended up being a pretty taxing speaking morning. First making a comment at the bilingual workshop and now this. Between all the introductions from the day before, I had spoken more to a room full of strangers in the past two days than in the past year.

And through it all, nothing negative was happening.

Bilingual Stuttering Workshop

The first workshop that I attended on Day 2 of the NSA Annual Stuttering Conference was Bilingual Stuttering.

Again, I didn’t really know what to expect, and again, I was really impressed with the discussion and comments people made.

For me, I grew up in a bilingual household — my parents spoke Urdu as well as English. But I only picked up on the Urdu as far as some understanding. I rarely, if ever, spoke Urdu growing up. This was because others would usually laugh at what I was trying to say. So coupled with my self conciousness as someone who stutters, it was a receipe for never bothering to learn. And what was the point? Everything in the States is in English anyway.

In junior high and high school I took French. Again, I did pretty good “on paper” but rarely spoke because I was self-concious about how I sounded.

And now, here in Saudi, I’m surrounded by Arabic-speakers. I can read Arabic, but can’t speak or understand it.

So what did I take away from this workshop? The first thing that blew me away was that one of the presenters (a native English speaker who stutters) speaks a foreign language. At work. As part of her job. So, in front of clients, on the phone, the whole thing. I sat there in awe. Seriously? And here I am, afraid of practicing a few Arabic words at the office with friendly company?

Some said they stuttered while speaking another language, others said they didn’t. Some stuttered more because they couldn’t be covert — they couldn’t use another word to substitute because well, they didn’t know many vocab words.

I was sitting there getting a little nervous, though. I had a comment! And damned if I was going to come all this way and not say what I wanted to say. I was remembering the goals that I had set before the conference. Ok! So here we go.

Sutter, stutter, stutter, point sort of being made, stutter a lot more, nobody’s laughing, stutter, stutter, everybody’s just patiently waiting, stutter, stutter, make comment, ok, done.

Alrighty then.

What I managed to say is that I am afraid to speak in a foreign language because I know it won’t be perfect. And I want it to be perfect. I don’t want the listener to grab onto how I’m saying something instead of what the message is. This of course is a direct tie with stuttering — the person who stutters is afraid of how the message is perceived instead of what the message is actually saying.

I said that I needed to be more rational about this — it didn’t have to be perfect. Case in point, I’ve got a bunch of non-native English speaking engineers who report to me. Their English isn’t perfect. But they carry on anyway, not really caring. And I don’t care about how they’ve said something — and I can usually decipher the message.

Another important point they made is that we deserve to speak a foreign language. We don’t have to let our stutter get in the way of that, either.

Yes. I do deserve to speak the French that I learned. And Urdu. And Arabic. Need to get that into my head.

Another workshop done and another really great perspective on something that I had thought wasn’t going to change. I got a lot of encouragement and inspiration from those around me who were stuttering but still speaking foreign languages without any hangups.

This definitely had an impact on the trip to France that I took a few days after my Stateside vacation. But we’ll get to that in a few days.

First day wrap-up and some goals

I’ve been summarizing my time at the NSA Conference that took place over the July Fourth weekend in DC.

Here are links to the three workshops that I attended on the first day at the Annual NSA Conference:

https://helloistutter.com/2014/07/14/first-timers-workshop/

https://helloistutter.com/2014/07/15/stuttering-your-way-to-financial-ruin-and-social-ridicule/

https://helloistutter.com/2014/07/17/this-is-stuttering/

And these are the things I said I’d do at the conference. Let’s see how I did on them:

1. Go up to some hotel staff member and ask them where the bathroom/conference room/gym/elevators are, even if I already know. They’ll probably be hearing a lot of stuttering, so hey, might as well get my own practice in.

Well, I did ask someone where the ATM is. He led me right to it. Of course it was just a few steps away. I hadn’t noticed it there. I didn’t stutter when I asked him.

2. Go up to small groups of people and barge on in. Why not, right?

This is pretty much what the First Timer’s Workshop was all about. I also ended up approaching groups that had one person who I knew in them. Then introduced myself to the others.

3. Call down to the front desk, tell them my name, room number and then ask what time checkout is. And maybe if I’m feeling up for it, what the hours are for the gym.

This didn’t happen. The old covert me hung on to something.

4. Introduce myself to as many strangers as possible.

I probably could have introduced myself to more people, but really, as my first conference, I was really pleased with how many people I did meet.

5. I got invited to a panel discussion on online stuttering communities. So, no prepared talking points. No rehearsing what I want to say.

Well, I did sit up there somewhat nervously while the others were talking, trying to figure out what I wanted to say. And in my mind, it was all going to go very, very smoothly. I was rehearsing! In my head! Yeah, not so much. I stuttered. A lot. But hey, that’s alright. I got the message across about the site and what it’s all about. So a win there.

6. Ask any questions or make any comments during seminars that I might have. Right then and there. Not after the seminar or after a few days when I see the host again. Don’t rely on e-mail.

Yes, I did do this. On the first day I didn’t have any comments or questions because my head was still reeling from the speakers who were stuttering (or not) and how friendly/easy everything was. But it was in the back of my mind for the rest of the conference, and I’ll talk about that later.

7. Above all else — listen. To the new people who I meet, and to the speakers at the conference. I’ve lived in a silo regarding my stuttering since I was 7, so it’s time to get some perspective on it.

Yes, definitely. It was great talking to people, laughing with them, hearing them share similar experiences (especially with the phone). It’s been a while since I’ve laughed that hard, and it felt great. Definitely the right place for me.

This Is Stuttering

The third workshop that I went to was a movie, thisisstuttering.

It was made by Morgan Lott.

Now, remembering that I’m a covert stutterer who doesn’t like to talk about stuttering, I had never seen his movie. Or even heard of it. I only found out about it while reading the description in the NSA program.

So I didn’t know what to expect.

I hadn’t even read this which is on his site:

Morgan is a filmmaker from Simi Valley, CA. During the summer of 2012, he began another round of speech therapy with a new speech therapist, Mrs. Alyssa Lukiewski. Upon her asking Morgan to film all of the sessions and weekly vlogs, simply for her own usage in studying her client, Morgan realized he was filming a fascinating documentary on accident. thisisstuttering has already drastically changed his life and he hopes the story will encourage and motivate others not only with stutters, but in any difficulty life decides to through our way.

This isn’t going to be a review of the movie. It’s more of my feelings during the viewing. That being said, the movie is basically about Morgan and some “confessionals” during his time in speech therapy. There are also numerous shots of him stuttering — out in public, on the phone, etc.,

My thoughts? Wow. Just, holy crap. He is out there, he is on video, and it’s forever! I really, really hate hearing myself on tape (or mp3, I guess) and seeing myself on video. (That’s why I haven’t done a YouTube channel or Podcast) I’ll leave the room if a video of me comes on (even if I’m not stuttering in it). When I’m making videos of the kids, I don’t even like to talk. If I do, it’s slow and very deliberate. And I make sure I won’t stutter. If I stutter badly enough. I’ll delete the video. That’s right. My stuttering supersedes childhood memories that will never happen again. That being said, I’m getting better — if it’s a little stutter, I’ll let it go. I suppose my kids may appreciate a nasty stutter when they’re older though. That’s how dad is.

Back to Morgan’s movie.

I’m watching this movie, and all I can think of is, well, that’s my life right there. He’s on the phone, stuttering to say a word. He hangs up, turns to the camera and says the word without stuttering at all. Over and over again. And just shakes his head about it.

What was amazing is hearing what he said about the movie afterward. Particularly that these snippets were all never to be seen by anybody else. And yet he had the strength to put them together into a really powerful movie. He also talked about how vulnerable he’s felt since making the movie and being out there. That’s an insane amount of courage. I mean, I’m only writing a little blog — put to make a movie and put it forth for festival consideration — chapeau.

(When Morgan stood in front of us after the movie was over to talk, I had the same thoughts that I did about the previous presenter — he’s hardly stuttering! But then he talked about how he’s been doing these presentations for a few months now. So again, confident and familiar.)

For someone who stutters, there’s nothing new or earth-shattering here regarding treatment or putting yourself out there. But I think if you’re fluent and want to know what stuttering is like, this is a perfect place to start. If you don’t stutter but know someone who does, you might hear a few minutes of their stutter here and there. Maybe every day, maybe only once or twice a week. And not think it’s a big deal. (And if your stuttering friend is trying to be covert, they’ll likely stutter even less). But thisisstuttering strings it all together and shows just how emotionally taxing stuttering is.

Stuttering your way to financial ruin and social ridicule

The second workshop that I attended had the subject title and was done by Steve Brown.

For the record, here are all of the descriptions for these workshops — so you can read the description on there of who Steve is and what this was going to be all about.

Alright, so I had just come from the First Timer’s Workshop and was feeling good. I was feeling good about jumping into the deep end and actually going to this conference. But I was mentally taxed a good bit already — I usually have to stutter our my name once a month (or even less) — and I had just done a year’s worth of really rough introductions in less than an hour. Thankfully everybody had name tags, so even if I forgot someone’s name, they happily pointed to it. They also had our hometown on there. Mine was listed as Lancaster. That’s true, but I’m living in Saudi now … I can’t remember if the registration form had that space on there or if they just used the billing address for our credit card. Anyway, at first during the first timer’s I wasn’t saying much about my hometown. But by the end of the conference, people were pretty surprised that I was living and working in Saudi.

I walked from the first workshop to the second — and had to go past hundreds of other conference-goers to do so. Should I have been jumping in again and introducing myself? Yeah, probably. But the old me was still leading the charge. You’ve just stuttered your head off! Look at these people! You stutter still! Avoid at all costs! Go put on more deodorant, too!

Ok, ok. Fine, but we’re going to meet some new people eventually, dammit.

I went into the next workshop room and assessed the situation. Smaller room. The speaker would be standing up front, so he might call on me if I sat in front. Unacceptable. But I can’t sit in the back! No! I didn’t come all the way here to hide in the back. I’ll sit in the middle. Should I slide in next to someone who I know? I don’t know anybody. What about a stranger? I could meet someone here, right? You will! No, let’s just sit down and see what this is all about.

Let me just summarize what Steve ended up talking about — his stutter, how he overcame it through really hard work, and how some of those techniques to avoid and use other ways to communicate made him stand out from his peers. He also talked about the importance of body language and setting ourselves up for success before our mouths are even open — don’t slouch! He told us to focus on the message, not the stutter.

Body language is something I really need to read up on. I find myself slouching or tightening up my shoulders all the time. I’ve been trying to practice more eye contact as well.

I liked Steve’s talk. It was funny, it was upbeat, and I could definitely relate.

But as a first timer, there was something off (for me). Something didn’t add up.

I mean, I’m sitting there, someone who stutters, and this guy says he does too. Yet he’s fluently telling us about his past and present. He’s easily walking back and forth on stage, making eye contact, telling jokes, waving his hands here and there.

But then that was the point.

I started thinking about it more — he’s done this before. He’s told these stories before. He’s confident with his material and being in front of people. That was inspirational for me. That could be me. I want to be up there telling my story some day.

So what did I take away from this? Well, that your stuttering really doesn’t have to stop you from your goals. That you can either stutter openly and fight through it, use alternate communication methods or a combination of the two.

(Also, looking back on it, I should have taken more detailed notes — but hey, I’m learning for next year.)

Just for reference, on the first day of the Conference there were 17 workshops across three timeslots. This is a lot of the reason why I want to go next year (and forever after) — I saw a bunch of stuff on the program that looked/sounded interesting that I wasn’t able to attend.

First Timer’s Workshop

Alright, so I’m finally back home after the visit Stateside and French-countryside. I was trying to think about how to recap all of this, and I think I’ll just do it in chronological order. So, the first workshop that I attended was the First Timer’s workshop.

Just to set the scene — there’s me, the covert stutterer who doesn’t like meeting people (well, having to introduce myself at least). I don’t like conferences because I had what was probably my most embarrassing moment at one (so those chairs, lighting, carpet, large numbers of people sort of make me nervous) and I was still thinking I could just walk out on the whole deal.

Anyway, I slowly made my way into the conference room, and there weren’t a lot of people there. I saw a younger guy sitting down near the door, so I went right up to him (into the deep end!). I said hello, and he introduced himself.

He stuttered.

Since leaving high school, I have never talked to anybody in person who stuttered. Never even met anybody else who stuttered. 17 years.

Alright, so now it’s my turn. I stutter out my own introduction. I then sit down next to this guy, Mark, and we talk. We’re both stuttering. So this is what I sound like to others.

After a few minutes, more people walk in. They fill in the seats. Then I see Pam from Stuttering Rockstar and a few others get up in front of us. Pam talk to us. The others also speak. They’re all stuttering. They don’t seem to mind at all.

They tell us that the point is not for them to talk to us — we’re all here to talk to each other!

Do what now?

Maybe we could go up in front and have them read our name to the crowd? Then I don’t have to? Maybe?

No.

Ok, now they’re done talking, and we’re all standing up, and I’m looking around nervously.

I flew all the way from Saudi for this so … I’m stuttering and introducing myself. I’m forcing myself to make some small talk. I’m trying to remember who I meet. I’m looking and staring at name tags after they introduce themselves.

I’m not going to lie — I’m targeting people who seem to be about my age. I’m interested in talking to them after this and over the next few days. Also, I’m trying to figure out how long to talk to people. I try to make some small talk and then break away to search for others. Oh, social situations. Should I just bust into a group and introduce myself? Look for others who are wandering like me? I slowly move about, bumping into people, introducing myself, saying hello, exchanging where we’re from and what we do.

I’m stuttering a lot, and it’s bothering me somewhat. I know I don’t stutter all that much, but that might be because I’m so comfortable with my current batch of friends/colleagues. But here at the conference I’m really struggling. Maybe it’s because I’m not used to making this kind of small talk? It’s been a while since I’ve answered these kinds of questions. On the one hand, I want to talk and practice, but on the other, I want to listen and find out where other people are from.

Before I know it, this very first workshop is over. What? Already? There are so many people here who I haven’t met!

I really wished it had gone on for maybe another half hour or even hour.

Now that that was done, I was feeling a little better. The uncertainty was gone. I belonged here, and these are my people! I was excited for what the remainder of the conference. And it was easy to meet people. Everybody was patient. Everybody was welcoming.

Stuttering through Europe

Quick update from here in Luxembourg. I’ve spend the last day and a half in France chasing the Tour de France and in Luxembourg meeting Tom from The Stuttering Brain.

Obviously there are plenty of stories to tell including how I successfully (and without too much hesitation) busted out the high school French to ask a police officer what time the peloton was going to come by.

I’m flying back to Saudi on Saturday night, so by Sunday night or Monday I should be back to normal and posting on a daily basis again.

Tom especially brought up some very interesting points that I’ve got to consider and will share soon.

All in all, it’s been a great stuttering holiday as well as a chance to see Le Tour in person for the first time ever.

Link Roundup – Last fortnight or so

Alright, so now a more traditional link roundup.

We’ll start with Pam at Make Room for the Stuttering. She’s put together some nice thoughts on the NSA Conference.

Also, I met Sam at NSA, and he’s posted his highlights from the conference.

He says:

I led a workshop on the struggles PWS often face on the phone and how we can master it instead of avoid it. After the workshop, a woman in the audience even approached me to tell me I inspired her to overcome her fear of the phone. I was so happy to help!

There were so many great workshops at the conference — I was sad that I had to miss some. Then again, that’s just motivation to go next year — fill in the gaps. And continue meeting amazing people.

The nice folks at Stutter Talk posted several talks during the conference. I should have hunted them down …

I know this is from early June, but I’m finding out about it now. It’s a review of ‘Out With It,’ by Katherine Preston on the Canadian Stuttering Association’s page.

The convoluted interaction between stutterer and unsuspecting listener is depicted, with neither knowing quite how to react, the results varying from traumatic to humourous. She employs various tricks to bypass her stuttering, such as avoidance, developing a huge vocabulary to navigate around difficult words, and choosing a small circle of empathetic friends.

Not sure about the circle of empathetic friends — I think since I never talked to my friends about it, I’ll never know, but everything else is pretty much spot on with regards to how I dealt with my stutter.

And something that’s awesome and horrible at the same time — McDonald’s is testing a new ordering app for your phone.

I say it’s awesome because obviously it saves me the trouble of stuttering out my order — and any changes I want to it — but it’s horrible because, well, I shouldn’t be afraid of stuttering in front of others. On the other hand, I’m not sure what the big deal about this is — at Wawa here in PA they have wonderful touch-screen ordering machines. You can build whatever kind of sandwich you want — and never have to talk to anybody! They’ve been around for years as well. Obviously as a former covert stutterer, the Wawa experience was absolutely magnificent.

Link Roundup – Who I Met

Alright, I’m going to do two days of link round up goodness. Today will be a look at the people who I met at the NSA conference. I’ll have to update my Resources pages as well …

Tomorrow I’m flying out from the States to France for 3 days. Going to chase the Tour and meet up with Tom from The Stuttering Brain over in Luxembourg. It’s turning out to be quite the stuttering vacation. I will certainly try to set up some entries to post during my European adventures.

Ok, so first up is Pam from Make Room for the Stuttering. She spoke at the First Timer’s workshop, and I talked to her a little bit there and during the conference. She also spoke at the online panel discussion listed below.

What really got me right off the bat at the conference was that the people doing the workshops mostly stuttered. They were just up there, saying their piece, stuttering, smiling, and carrying on like it’s another normal day at the office.

Here’s a look at some of the leadership who were at the conference.

On I think what was the second day, I met Ben North at the Starbucks in the hotel lobby. He was standing in front of me. The person behind me asked what this conference was all about, and Ben replied. I thought, well, here we go, I’m here to meet people, so let’s keep meeting people. My usual state of sweating and being nervous surfaced, but Ben responded as everybody else did at the conference — with patience and understanding.

I was on a panel discussion hosted by Katie Gore regarding online communities for stuttering. Katie reached out to me through reddit. There’s a few people on reddit who discuss stuttering on a regular basis. Jump over there and join their discussion.

On that panel were:

Daniel Rossi, who wrote a book on stuttering. I bought the book and will start reading and reviewing it soon. He and Sam (below) work on Stutter Social.

Jacquelyn Revere. She’s started a vlog on stuttering.

Samuel was also on the panel. He talked about Stutter Social:

Stutter Social is an organization that connects people who stutter (PWS) through Google+ Hangouts. Participating in a Hangout is a fun, free, and safe way to connect with other PWS. Discussion often revolves around stuttering-related issues, but sometimes we just chat about our day or a good movie. We are a very welcoming and friendly bunch so don’t be shy and come join us whenever is convenient for you.

Not on that panel, but during the conference, I met Dhruv from the Indian Stammering Association. He’s working on setting up an annual conference for the Indian Stammering Association this October. Unfortunately I won’t be able to attend, but will find ways to help them out anyway.

I got to watch a movie about stuttering — not the King’s Speech, mind you. And no, I still haven’t seen that yet, either. Maybe I’ll finally watch it on the plane ride back to the Kingdom.

This Is Stuttering was shown during the conference. Watching Morgan stutter while talking on the phone during the film was just like watching myself. Morgan was also at the conference to talk about the movie and what has happened since releasing it to the public. If your friends don’t know what stuttering is like on a daily basis, by all means, send them the link.

Lastly, some people had mentioned going through therapy with the American Institute for Stuttering. I’m not going to pick one organization over another. I just happened to go to an NSA conference. My opinion is that the larger organizations are all there to help those of us who stutter, our parents, and children and teenagers.

So tomorrow will be a more traditional link roundup with stories from this past week and a half. If you’ve got any stories to share, do pass them along!

Excuses, excuses

Clearly I missed the Sunday link roundup, but I have four somewhat-legitimate excuses:

1. I’m on vacation … so I am constantly losing track of what day of the week it is. No, really.

2. I went to the NSA Conference (see above) and well, the losing-track was in full effect. I often didn’t know what time it was — no windows + not a lot of clocks = casino-like state.

3. Because of the conference, there are a lot more links that deserve a lot more time in researching, snipping and commenting on. So I don’t want to half-ass anything for you.

4. I actually spent Sunday with my old college roommate in DC after the conference. Then I drove the 2-odd hours back up to PA where I’m staying with my parents.

That being said, I was thinking pretty hard about the conference during that drive up.

I was thinking about my feelings before the conference — how I didn’t like the idea of going to a conference that was about everything I hated about myself. I hated the idea of having to meet new people. I hated introducing myself. I hated seeing the word stuttering everywhere. I never talked about it to others, never sought help or support, and just hated myself for doing it. Why was I doing this?

But then I went to the conference, and my attitude changed about everything. I saw and heard and experienced so many awesome things.

On the drive back to my parent’s house I realized that the NSA Conference did have a lasting effect on me: I didn’t hate anything about myself anymore.

Stuttering at the Conference Day 4 – Last day

Well today the NSA annual conference came to a close. It’s been a really amazing experience that definitely blew away any expectations that I had. I’m not sure what I really thought would happen before I showed up — maybe some seminars, sitting and listening, talking to a few people here and there.

It’s been so much more than that. Every workshop that I’ve gone to has really driven through the heart of my stuttering and given me new ways to look at it. There’s acceptance everywhere I turn here. Nobody finishes my words, phrases or sentences for me. They look at me, they make eye contact, and they wait patiently. I can say the words I want to say instead of the words that are easy to say. Nobody says stupid things like “did you forget your name?” or “you hardly stutter at all, you’re fine.”

Next year’s conference is in Chicago. I’ve already made up my mind that I’ll go. Whatever has to be done for scheduling, so be it. (Besides, many of the Middle East airlines fly direct to Chicago). I want to listen to others talk about stuttering again. I want to see the friends who I met over the past week. I want to be moved to tears — as I was twice today. I want to be mentally exhausted at the end of each day again. I want to scribble furiously in my little notebook as yet another speaker blows my mind with a new attitude or outlook that I never considered.

I want to meet new people, and I want to feel comfortable again in a room of a thousand people who get it.

I really wish I had gone to this conference when I was in high school. I’m not sure how different my life would have been, but I would have known that I wasn’t the only one. I would have known other kids going through the same experiences. I could have gone to seminars with adults who could have mapped out the next few years — the college years. I would have talked to people about all the uncertainty, the fear of speaking, and how it’ll be fine at the end of the day. I didn’t do all of that, but I’m doing it now. I’m 35, and I’m less covert in my stuttering as before. And that’s fine to come out on my own terms. And it’s even easier being here to see how others have done it, and how others have embraced it.

I’m going to go back over my notes over the next few days and see about how to relive some of the magic … I think I’ll devote a week to each day of the conference and elaborate on workshops and ideas that were presented. By all means, if you have any comments or stories, do send them along. As I said before, this site has only just started, and we’ve got a lot to cover.

Stuttering at the Conference Day 3

Insanely late post today (well, I suppose I missed on the fourth) but of course it can be attributed to the July 4th Holiday as well as having a really good time at the conference. I was up til midnight just now talking and hanging out with newfound friends from the conference.

Again, just a quick roundup, and then I’ll get into these aspects (and others) after a few days/weeks.

1. I went to a workshop where several people talked in detail about being covert stutterers. I could pretty much relate to everything they said. So I’m definitely not alone. And then most of them decided that enough was enough and to be open about their stuttering. I’m coming to terms with that, but this blog (and going to the conference) are certainly steps in the right direction.

2. I did a “speed talking” workshop. Basically about 18 people sit facing 18 other people. Then we talk for 3 minutes. Then one side moves seats. So it’s like speed dating but with just … talking. It was rough having to introduce myself to so many people, but once I got through that, it wasn’t too bad. I really have been struggling with my first name, but hey, that’s always been an issue.

3. It turns out when you go watch Fourth of July fireworks with a bunch of newfound stuttering friends, you end up talking about what topics come to your mind — stuttering related or not. So it was nice to spend some time outside of the conference getting to know so many different people.

4. There were some instances of stuttering discussion that arose in our little group. So it was nice to commiserate about the phone with people who “get it.”

5. Still meeting new people. Overall I’m still very satisfied by the number of people who I’ve met and gotten to know. I think I’ll definitely stay in touch with all of them.

Tomorrow is the last day of the conference. I’ll actually be speaking at an Online Presence workshop … where I suppose I’ll elaborate on what I’m trying to do with this site.

Stuttering at the Conference Day 2

Alright, so another great day at the NSA conference. As I said yesterday, I’ll post a few highlights this week and then expand on them in the weeks to come.

1. At the end of the day, I’m pretty tired mentally. I’m spending all day thinking and talking about stuttering. I’m stuttering a lot, and that’s ok. But meeting people is exhausting because well, I’m not used to doing it, and I stutter like crazy when I talk to strangers. So I have to keep “moving on” from the stutter in the conversation. I can’t let a lousy introduction get me down — the listener doesn’t care — they stutter too!

2. I went to a workshop on bilingual stuttering. As in, people who speak foreign languages who stutter. This went ahead and blew my mind because one of the moderators said she speaks a foreign language for work. And she stutters. When I think about my top like, five fears in life, that’s right up there. And here she was, stuttering and speaking in a foreign language and getting paid for it. Damn!

3. As part of the same workshop, she said how we deserve to speak a foreign language. I never really thought about it like this. As in, yes, I do stutter, yes, it’s going to be rough when I speak a foreign language, but hey, the listener can be patient, and I can enjoy speaking to them in their native tongue. I have been afraid of speaking Arabic for a long time, but this may change my mind a bit … slowly but surely. I don’t have to be perfect with everything I say in a foreign language.

4. I did an open mic workshop. It’s a simple concept. People in the room take turns standing up in front of everybody and talking. No prepared material, no specific topic, no order of appearance. So to recap: SPEAKING IN FRONT OF STRANGERS. I did end up volunteering, and I did end up talking. I said what I wanted to say (no real time to prepare or practice anything) and stuttered all the way through it. But you know what? So what. I stutter, so these things happen.

5. I’m also meeting more people slowly. I definitely didn’t have any quota in mind before I came here. But it’s nice just being able to go up to someone, stutter like crazy to introduce myself and then be able to chit-chat for a while. I’ve talked to people who stutter, parents of people who stutter and speech language pathologists.

There’s so much more that happened, but that’s a good roundup for now.

Stuttering at the Conference Day 1

Well, today marks the first day of the NSA conference here in the DC. I’ll write way more about each workshop after I get back to Saudi, but in general, here are my thoughts so far.

1. After picking up my packet and checking into my room, I was still asking myself if this was the best idea. I could still walk out on the whole thing and spend a few aimless days in DC. I mean, for someone who stutters, going to a conference where you have to meet people is pretty intimidating.

1a. For those of you who don’t stutter, this is how things go down in my head:

Me: Let’s go to a conference and meet total strangers who stutter!
Self: No.
Me: Let me say it again: EVERYBODY THERE WILL STUTTER.
Self: Here’s what I heard: MEET TOTAL STRANGERS
Me: But they all stutter!
Self: But they’re strangers! I’ll stutter in front of them!
Me: Exactly!

2. Obviously I’m glad I sucked it up and went to the first workshop — for first timers. Still nervous, but Pam got up in front of all of us and put me at ease. She said she was in our shoes before. And felt nervous. But we’d meet people, we’d talk, and it’ll get better.

3. The main focus of the first timers workshop was to meet other first timers. So the hosts didn’t spend a lot of time talking. They let us mingle. This was scary for the first few minutes, but got way easier. In the end, I wished we had even more time.

4. I did introduce myself to the first person who I saw before the first timers conference. So for the first time in many years, I had a conversation with someone else who stutters.

5. I had a chance today to watch this documentary about stuttering. It was like a film about my own life. Damn. Definitely not alone at all.

Anyway, as I said, I’ll have way more on all the above in the weeks to come. For now I’m slowly taking in this conference. I’m hoping to meet more people … it’s only Wednesday today, so there’s plenty of time. Many of the other workshops also force social interaction which is pretty awesome.

Stuttering in 35G

As I’ve said before, I’m a very social person — who’s stuck with this stuttering thing. If I don’t have to introduce myself (or start off with a random witty comment), I can usually chat people up without too many issues. Of course there’s still stuttering, but the lingering effects of an introduction don’t cloud the air as much.

Since I work in Saudi, I have to make some long flights back home — like the one I took a few days ago so I can go to the NSA conference. On the first flight, I had all three seats on the side to myself. (This was pretty nice, but I still have a hard time sleeping on airplanes.)

From London to Philly, however, a young lady sat next to me. This is about a 7+ hour flight.

So the considerations begin. Not only are there stuttering considerations, but general, “don’t by creepy” considerations. You definitely don’t want things to be awkward for the next 7 hours.

The stuttering, of course, starts right off the bat — I usually open with, “so …. where are you going?” If I’m not feeling that at all (the ‘w’ in ‘where’ being the sticking point) I might try to be more specific — “so … are you from Philly?” This one is also pretty tough because after the “so” comes out, there’s a horrid pause, and then no sound as I try to eek out a word that starts with a vowel. Sometimes I feel bad because they’re just sitting there. Staring at me. They can’t go anywhere. Captive audience! Ha!

Despite this, I always do try to initiate conversation if they’re not going to. I’m curious! They might be a friend of a friend of a friend! Maybe they work somewhere interesting or went to the same school I did. I need to know! I’ll never see them again for the rest of my life, but I need to know!

The main issue are those ‘w’ words: What do you do? Where are you going? When are you leaving to go home? Stutter, stutter and stutter.

The plane can be a really tricky place to try to talk because there are so many variables. First there’s trying to find something good to say. Then trying to find the right words that I won’t stutter on. Then when I’m ready to say them, making sure there’s not an announcement being made. Or someone else walking by saying “excuse me,” and getting my seatmate’s attention. Or maybe they’re still on their phone or getting a call while we’re at the gate. They might drop something and be distracted. Most of these things seem to happen as I’m trying to get a few words out. “I’m sorry, did you say something?” Eh … let me try to repeat myself.

Other horrid parts of the flight include having to give a drink order when I’m at the window seat. Why do I always feel like the flight attendant is in a hurry? Where are they going to go? But then I’m trying to say “diet coke” while my seatmate stares at me and while the flight attendant looks on indifferently. All that for 6 oz. Sometimes I’ll just say I’m fine and not ask for anything.

Assuming things get going in conversation, it’s important to stay away from being creepy and overly friendly. Keep things short and to the point. Try not to set up elaborate jokes. If you find out they’re much younger, there’s no need to delve into the daily actives of your three children.

The nice thing is that most people will understand the “um,” and then a point toward the back of the plane as the universal sign of, “move, so I can go to the bathroom. Please?”

Alternatively, there’s this.

I wonder if people don’t do these to me when they start to hear that I stutter …

Stuttering at the Conference

The conference is only two days away now, so I’m starting to get pretty excited. The NSA has been e-mailing us as well as posting an inside look via twitter for their preparation.

Since I’ve been covert for so long about my stuttering, I still don’t really know how I’m going to react to all this. I need to make sure that my initial reaction on social situations gets beaten back so I can say what I want.

With that in mind, here’s what I’m thinking I need to do while there. I’ll also post an update on this after the conference is over to let you know how it went.

Things that I’m going to do at the conference in no particular order:

1. Go up to some hotel staff member and ask them where the bathroom/conference room/gym/elevators are, even if I already know. They’ll probably be hearing a lot of stuttering, so hey, might as well get my own practice in.

2. Go up to small groups of people and barge on in. Why not, right?

3. Call down to the front desk, tell them my name, room number and then ask what time checkout is. And maybe if I’m feeling up for it, what the hours are for the gym.

4. Introduce myself to as many strangers as possible.

5. I got invited to a panel discussion on online stuttering communities. So, no prepared talking points. No rehearsing what I want to say.

6. Ask any questions or make any comments during seminars that I might have. Right then and there. Not after the seminar or after a few days when I see the host again. Don’t rely on e-mail.

7. Above all else — listen. To the new people who I meet, and to the speakers at the conference. I’ve lived in a silo regarding my stuttering since I was 7, so it’s time to get some perspective on it.

Sunday Link Roundup

Again a little late. I’m in the States now, visiting friends and family. I came here to see them and of course head to the NSA conference.

For this past week in stuttering, there are a few items — thanks to Twitter, it’s easier to find items of note.

Let’s start with the NSA conference — it starts on July 2nd, and the program is available online now.

Carolina Pediatric therapy posted about children and stuttering — and what to look for during development:

As your child is learning to talk between 18 months and three years old it is common to go through a stuttering “phase”. In most cases it only lasts a few weeks or months and is no reason for concern. So, when should you become worried that your child’s stuttering may be more than a phase? There are a few simple questions you can ask yourself that may help you determine when to call a Speech Pathologist for an evaluation.

Of course you can find a speech language pathologist through the Stuttering Foundation’s site.

The Mighty Snail posted a little rant about stuttering at the workplace.

I enjoyed this tweet:

Do you stutter less when you have caffeine? I think if I have a lot of it, I get going pretty well and don’t stutter as much. But of course that’s a pretty subjective view …

I will admit that I need to start listening to way more podcasts.

That may be a focus of 2015 for me.

And lastly, please do head over to Reddit and check out the Stutter sub-reddit.

Tomorrow I’ll get into what I want to do at the NSA Conference. The rest of the week (and next) will likely be conference-heavy commentary. If you’re going, do send me a note/comment — we should meet up.

It’s entirely possible that I’ve missed things this past week due to travel and whatnot. So let me know!

Weekly Stuttering Roundup

Apologizes for the very late post. I was traveling all day Friday from Saudi to Philly, and then I spent today with family. Nonetheless, there was some stuttering during the past week … as usual.

One thing that did happen that I didn’t stutter on was not getting all my luggage in Philly. One of my two bags came through, and then they (British Airways) had a person make an announcement that well, a whole bunch of bags didn’t show up. Fortunately I didn’t have to speak — he just gave us a form. I always hate having to read off a number to someone behind the counter. The last time it happened they verbally asked for everything — name, address, phone number. Ugh.

What I did get nervous about during the trip was while standing in line for passport control in Philly. It’s always slightly nerve-wracking. I mean, it shouldn’t be — I’m an American citizen, so … here’s my passport, let’s keep things moving. But there are always questions — how long have you been out, what do you do, what are you doing here, who are you going to see, are you declaring anything? I do pretty well on the questions — keeping them short and to the point. Saying “two weeks” for the duration is tough, so I can get away with “ten days,” if need be. The declaration thing is a big issue, though — I always bring dates. That’s right. Dates with a big D on the front. Saudi dates are a favorite of my parents, so they always ask that I get them. And so if you’re bringing any kind of fruit, you have to declare it — otherwise if you get caught, it’s a huge fine. Not worth it. What I did this time was actually write “dates” on the form (there’s not a space for it, but whatever). I started stuttering out the “d” in dates, and then the passport control guy saw the written word — “dates?” Yep!

Also, the World Cup is going on as … pretty much everybody knows. And of course Luis Suarez was big news because of his biting incident. I would love to talk about this more, but Luis has a pretty tough name for someone who stutters — that L takes a long time to come out, and the ‘s’ of his last name is tied with a ‘w’ basically. Aaargh. So how to even refer to this guy? Just not … The other issue of course are the team names. I could say “Netherlands,” but man, “Holland,” is way easier.

Lastly I was talking to a colleague at work who’s from Sudan about dentistry. I wanted to tell him about how I had my wisdom teeth taken out. But of course … “wisdom” wasn’t going to come out. So I just said, “those teeth … in the back and up there.” He said he understood, but I was really more curious what other people in the world called wisdom teeth. Is that just an American thing?

Stuttering through 50 posts

This marks my 50th post here, and I’m pretty happy with how things have turned out so far. I’ve managed to cover a variety of topics, from elementary to high school to college. And of course the dreaded phone, and how I discovered and embraced the iceberg concept.

People from more than 30 countries have stopped by, and I’m bumping up against a thousand views. The plan to head off into a slow and steady direction is working very well, and I am confident this blog can continue easily for a long time. In the immediate future of course is the NSA Conference.

I’ve enjoyed “talking” to other people who stutter through their blogs or twitter. We are most certainly not alone!

I’m also participating on reddit as much as possible. If you haven’t already stopped by there, please do.

My goals for the rest of 2014 are fairly modest:

1. Put out a “college” guide for those who stutter who are going into college in the Fall. I’m hoping to have this out by mid-August. Basically like writing to myself as an 18-year-old who stutters. What would I have done differently? Sure things turned out well after it was all said and done, but it didn’t have to be so hard!

2. Clean up the resources part of this page with three areas — institutions/foundations/organizations, bloggers, and news articles. There’s a lot out there from the past few years, so I want to try to organize it for easier reference.

Other than that, just keep on posting six days a week. Saturdays will be a personal review of my speaking for the week, Sundays will be a link roundup, and I’m thinking of fixing a day to dip into the archives of other bloggers and commenting on one of their older posts.

As I’ve said before, going back and forth in time with my own stutter — or those of others — makes sense for the community because what you stuttered on yesterday I might stutter on tomorrow. How you felt today may have been something I went through weeks ago.

I want to be the site that my young self would have found invaluable.

Stuttering through some interviews

Yesterday I talked about how I didn’t know how to find a job. So what did I do?

I did manage to get one call from a company in Connecticut based on an application I submitted online. (By this time I was living at my parent’s house).

So I drove up there and back in the same day. I’m sure I stuttered through a few things, but otherwise just kept my mouth shut. It was a small engineering company that made … something. Can’t remember. Anyway, while I was talking to one of the managers, he was looking at his computer and reading e-mails. Right. Obviously that didn’t turn out well.

I had two more interviews thanks to … my dad. He was a manager of engineering at a pharmaceutical company and knew a bunch of people. One day he came up to me (after seeing that I wasn’t getting anywhere with this) and asked if I needed some help. Sure did! So there you go — family networking.

He helped get me an interview with a consulting company that had an office down in South Carolina. On the morning of Sept 11, I got up, turned on the news, and saw what was happening. I watched it all morning with my mom, and my dad came home early. I was really distraught about all of this — I had even been to the Towers back in March. That afternoon I got a call from the company in South Carolina. They wanted to fly me down for an interview. What was my availability? Um … yay?

Did I learn anything about interviewing in college (from going to career services)? Of course not. Did I practice answering any questions (Where do you see yourself in five years? Um, here?). No again. What about actually looking at my “resume” and being able to talk about it (So, what does all this work at the newspaper have to do with engineering?) Um … right. Again, I think a lot of this had to do with, ‘well, he’s smart, he can figure it out.’

The process ended up taking all day. I spoke with a half dozen engineers and managers. I think all they wanted to see was that I had graduated and could behave myself in an office environment. I told the same stuff to all of them. Years later when I had to interview people myself, I understood their enthusiasm for this type of thing. The best part of course was that I didn’t have to say my name to any of them, and by the end of the day, I had said the same thing so many times I wasn’t stuttering as much.

That evening a few of them took me out for dinner. Obviously I was terrified of this prospect. I’d have to talk and socialize and … who knows. Fortunately the guys who I went out with were all good friends with each other, and one of them was pretty talkative. So I could just sit and make the occasional small remark.

I didn’t end up getting that job (they eventually saw it as some sort of conflict-of-interest thing with my dad) but at least I got some interviewing experience.

The next “interview” that I got was with a smaller consulting company that was doing work in my hometown. One of the guys there used to work with my dad. I can’t recall any of the interview. But I have a feeling it was more of a “make sure he’s not some weirdo” and thus, “how soon can you start?” They were hurting for people, and especially young people to do a bunch of grunt work. So exactly three months after leaving my last final at Pitt, I started my first job.

A stuttering new grad tries to find a job

I’m sure I can think of a few more college stories over the next few months, but for now, let me move onto the next phase.

During the latter half of my senior year, I started searching for a job. I understood that I wasn’t going to graduate school — so obviously I needed a job.

I had gone to a nice large public university with plenty of job-searching resources. Did I know about this? Probably in the back of my mind. Did I use any of them? Of course not. That would involve going to an office in some building somewhere and … talking to someone.

A bunch of my engineering friends at the time had done co-ops. They had worked somewhere for a summer or a semester, and presumably that company would give them an offer of employment. Since I was busy at the paper — and being its editor — I didn’t do that. I considered it, but then thought it would mess up my chances of being editor. Nevermind that I was an engineering major and not a journalism major.

The other issue was that well, I was a new graduate. And I had no engineering experience. The only thing I could put on my resume was a lame senior project that I had to do for a class. I say it was lame because well, it didn’t really work. My partner and I worked on it alongside some people in the biomedical engineering department. But they didn’t seem to care much for it. And nobody cared if it worked. So we mostly just sat around and did nothing. During the presentation for the project, I stuttered like crazy alongside my partner. But none of the engineering students present seemed to care — you’re an engineer, of course you’re nervous going up in front of people!

Anyway, by now it was 2001, so the Internet was pretty helpful in searching and applying for jobs. So I did. And didn’t hear back from anybody. Of course. Because what does job searching actually entail? Networking. And what does that involve? Meeting people. And talking to them. And following up with phone calls. You see the problem.

The university also hosted job fairs. I did print up my lame one-page resume and go to these. Did I talk to any career counselor about what the hell to do at these things? No, of course not. I remember very well going to a job fair with my resume, going up to a company, and handing it to the lady standing there. I might have said hi. She just sort of took it, and … it was weird and awkward. That’s how I approached my job search in college. It was a little rough.

That summer I graduated (still with no job) and moved back in with my parents. The search continued.

Stuttering Reader E-mail

I got an e-mail the other day from a reader. Here’s the crux of it:

“I just now got off the phone leaving a message with a beautiful girl I met online. I must have re-recorded the message 20 times.”

Ah yes, the phone. I’ve talked about how much I dislike it before.

One nerve-wracking experience is getting a new job and a new phone — and then having to set up voice mail for it. For whatever reason even though I’m in my office by myself recording the message, I still stutter out my name. So I have to do it over and over again. Then there’s the rest of the message. I focus so much on getting my name out that I forget about the rest of it and end up bumbling through that, too. You’d think I’d just write something down and slowly read it.

I’ve also enjoyed getting a new cell phone and then opening the box when someone else is in the room (or in my office). So then you check out your shiny new thing — and somehow the realization that you need to set up your voicemail comes up. “Eh, well, I can do that later.” Why don’t you just do it now? “Um …”

The phone system that the reader mentions above is much better than before, of course. Before you had one shot to leave a message — and had to sometimes face the indignity of getting cut off (while you’re trying to stutter out your name) by the time limit. I always wondered what those sounded like when people heard them …

If you have a comment or story about stuttering, please do send it along!

Sunday Link Roundup

Lots of stories and links about stuttering from this past week.

Pam has posted over at Make Room for the Stuttering about an unfortunate turn of events at a recent meeting.

I shared this with some friends in a Facebook group and they asked me how I responded. I didn’t respond – I said nothing as I didn’t want to draw any attention to how embarrassed I felt.

I’m a pretty nice guy, but yeah, seriously, anytime anybody ever asks me if I’ve forgotten my name or some simple piece of information that I’m stuttering on, I want to punch them in the face.

I’m getting salty in my old age — I wonder if I wouldn’t have put that person in their place.

University of Iowa Summer Camp helps those who stutter.

He began enrolling in speech therapy twice a week for 20 minutes and made progress, but nothing has helped like the intensive one-on-one treatment he gets at the nine-day camp offered by the UI clinic. Therapists work with children for five hours daily — far more treatment than they would receive at school.

It has built up his confidence and helped him realize other children have similar difficulties. It’s helped his mother feel less alone, too.

And yes, I’m sure there are other camps around the country like this. I just happened across this one and started to wonder if my life would have turned out differently had I gone to a summer camp while growing up.

The American Institute of Stuttering had its 8th Annual Gala and handed out its Freeing Voices Changing Lives Award. The awards went to Jack Welch and Jes Staley. Vice President Joe Biden honored the gentlemen.

Both the Vice President and Jack Welch shared personal stories of their stuttering and how their mothers helped them overcome criticism in their lives. Each encouraged her son to meet their speech challenge head-on and echoed a similar message – “Stuttering does not define you.”

Here’s a video of Vice President Biden talking about his stutter — and how you shouldn’t let stuttering define who you are.

I get this, I really do. I think there are two parts to it though. One, that we should carry on with our lives and push through our stutter. Become more confident, find techniques that work, seek help when needed. Carry on with our lives and careers despite it. But the second thing is that well, some people should let this define them. Listen, if you asked me if I would like to be paid (as a regular job) to talk about stuttering and spread the word and educate people about it full time, I’d say yes. I’d say yes now, but maybe a few years ago I wouldn’t. Because while it can’t define most people, someone’s gotta take the lead in helping and educating.

When I first saw this video and saw Mr. Biden talking about practicing classic works, I thought, well, you know what, I can spend hours alone in my car saying my name and every word in the dictionary without any stutter at all. But then I realized, well, there’s more than just that. If I’m driving to an interview, I practice some responses out loud. Over and over again. I get used to the words coming out of my mouth. I hear what I might trip up on. I try to say things in a different way. I can pay more attention to my breathing. Does all this practicing always work? Of course not. I get nervous and forget to breathe just like any other interaction. But the preparation does help. It adds just a little dose of confidence that wasn’t there before, and sometimes that’s all it takes.

I’m not terribly afraid of public speaking per se, but doing something like comedy — where timing is key — does scare the crap out of me. But there are those out there doing it:

The people with the death wish are the people who are terrified of public speaking, but choose stand-up as a way to tackle their fear. Brian Baltosiewich, senior marketing producer at WBTV, grew up with a stutter and has performed at The Comedy Zone.

“Once I got into my career, I knew I’d have to do something to get out in front of it,” he said. “It’s the communication business and I have to communicate. I wanted to do something that was really going to scare the crap out of me. To speak in front of a crowd with my own material, not knowing how they would react, I thought that would shock me into being OK with myself and my stutter.”

Here’s a nice article about someone who had success with the McGuire program. Just a note — I have no experience with any stuttering-help programs or products. Tom over at Stuttering Brain does a much better job of reviewing them. But we’re all different — what may work for some may not work for all.

The word “Daysaver” proved so problematic that she would often overpay for a bus ticket to avoid saying it. She would also spend half an hour looking for tricky-sounding items in a supermarket, rather than asking where they were.

Oh, the countless hours I’ve spent wandering around Home Depot instead of just asking someone. This gets harder when you have kids — because they ask you — ‘can’t we just ask someone?’

Lastly, fellow stutterer and expat Geraint at Penguin Ponderings is talking about how he ended up in Saudi to begin with.

Weekly Stuttering Roundup

I’ve been writing about things that have happened in the past — high school, college, work meetings, etc.,

But I want everybody to know that yes, the stuttering still goes on every day. Not every hour, though. Sometimes I just like to keep my mouth shut.

I didn’t really want this blog to be just a rundown of my daily stuttering, though. Although I think sometimes that is certainly beneficial.

I think on Saturdays I’ll just start posting about a few stuttering incidents of the past week. And yes, I know this is a day late.

1. I continue to get ambushed at lunch. I had been having lunch with someone who’s very friendly and eager to meet people. When we got out, it’s always to the same place. And we see the same people. So if they’re eating alone, they get invited over. I like meeting new people. I just don’t like having to introduce myself. The other thing is that I’m sure they’ll forget my name (because we won’t see them every day). So there’s a strong likelihood that they’ll ask me for my name again.

2. I had to say the word “writing” to a close friend of mine at breakfast the other day. This took more than a half dozen attempts. The word just would not come out at all.

3. I was ordering donuts the other day for my engineers. I wanted 12 donuts. I could have gotten away with asking for ten — it’s easier to say. But I decided, no, I’m going to get a dozen, because that’s what I want. I stuttered out the 12.

Sunday link roundup is coming along. I’ll post that by the end of today.

Stuttering in College Part 8

I’ll wrap up this week with another post or two about my senior year at Pitt.

There is stuttering and the things we do — what we try to say, who we try to meet. But there is also a lot of fear and not wanting to engage. Just totally shutting something down before it can even happen. Despite the benefits, despite the pushing from friends or family.

During my junior year at Pitt, I was the assistant news editor. I went with the editor in chief, the news editor and the managing editor to interview the chancellor in his office. I don’t remember what we talked about. The state of the university, probably. Rising tuition costs, vision for the future, that sort of thing. There might have been some “tough” questions thrown in there.

So when I became editor my senior year, I should have done this. But I remember thinking, yeah, no, there’s no way this is going to happen. I’m not going to go in front of the chancellor and his staff and try to ask questions. And it’s not like the kind of thing that I could have just farmed out to my news editor, either.

This bothered me somewhat, but not too much. At this point I was a mechanical engineering major, and had no interest to pursue journalism after graduating. There were some of my editors who did, though. For this I did feel pretty bad.

I look back at that year of being editor and wonder if I couldn’t have done more — gone out more, talked to more people, engaged with the community a lot more. But I was afraid to. The stutter kept me back. I was content letting others do the asking and the conversing.

Stuttering in College Part 7

Today’s story comes from senior year. This is when things had really taken off for me in college — I had made it to editor in chief of the newspaper. So it turns out that despite not having read anything about “setting goals, visualizing success or having a positive outlook,” I managed to set a goal freshman year and attain it. Confidence-wise, this was huge — and something I’ve used a lot since.

At some point during the year, I got a call from the US Department of Education. They were having a conference in downtown Pittsburgh, and wondered if I could sit on a panel and talk about alcohol and college kids. Well, if this was the thing that university paper editors did, well, let’s do it, then!

Since I was pretty busy, I didn’t look into what the conference was all about, and who else would be there. I don’t remember the exact details of what the talk was about, but I remember the logistics of it. Naturally since I was a college student, I put off writing the speech until the last minute. Of course since I didn’t drink, I also didn’t know what to say about alcohol and college kids. So two days before it was due, I started asking my friends at the office. There are only two key things that I remember learning from my friends that I incorporated into this speech. The first is that if your friend drinks himself silly and gets hurt badly, this has no affect on your own drinking. You might pause to consider it, but you’ll still carry on. The other is that if colleges think they can stop underage drinking, they’re mistaken. That has to start way before, during the early years of high school.

Anyway, I typed up the speech at the office, and left it there on the computer. For whatever reason, I thought I’d go in the morning, print it out, and then head downtown. Cruelly, the conference was on a Sunday morning. So of course I got up late. And drove up to the office in a huge hurry, printed it out, and headed downtown. I think I actually woke up about 10 minutes before I was to give the speech. Who makes a college kid go downtown early on a Sunday morning?

I parked up downtown and ran over to the hotel. I found the room, and got up on the little stage at the table. There were three of us, I think. Someone else was already talking. I don’t recall if I had to sit or stand to give the speech. Anyway, soon it was my turn, so I looked at my page and opened my mouth.

If there were 500 words on the page, I stuttered on 600 of them. Seriously, it was a total train wreck. I tried to look up once in a while. I saw a smiling face or two, but otherwise a lot of bored looks. I’m sure the audience members probably just thought that I was super-nervous. I mean, hey, here’s a college-kid giving a speech in front of a bunch of strangers. Everybody is afraid of public speaking, right? It was really, really quiet in there. And here I was, trying to drone on. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t relax, I couldn’t get any kind of rhythm going. I was like a kite dragging along the ground.

I definitely didn’t take the prep work seriously enough. I also severely underestimated my stutter. I hadn’t given a speech or done any public speaking like that while in college. I probably thought I’d be ok since I had been doing the undergraduate teaching assistant thing. But that was more spontaneous. Reading from a script was awful.

What I should have done is written the speech a few weeks before and practiced the hell out of it in front of friends. Gained some confidence. Gained some insight. And really get some ownership of the material. But no. I just winged it, and it was disastrous.

After the speech was over, I just sort of sat there, trying to disappear. There was the rest of the conference to check out, but I sheepishly had a little snack and then got back in the car and went home. I never mentioned it to any of my friends.

Stuttering in College Part 6

Onto junior year. By this time I was really happy at the newspaper and could see that yes, I might be able to reach my freshman-year goal of becoming editor in chief by senior year. The position was really only open to someone who had experience at the paper, and who the advisors were familiar with. There was one other person I’d have to interview against, but I don’t think he was taking it terribly seriously.

This is when I started to see how organizations — and moving up in one — really worked. It was all about networking and who you knew. You couldn’t just cold-call and hope to get a job.

My junior year I also moved off campus (but still within easy walking distance) and got a car. The car was useful for driving the four hours back and forth to my parent’s house. And driving aimlessly around Pittsburgh on the weekends. Gas was cheaper back then.

During high school, I managed to get a bit of a reputation with regards to my somewhat reckless driving. I don’t think I was too bad — I never crashed into anybody or anything — but it continued in college once I got my car. The other bit that added to the story was that I didn’t drink — so I’d end up being the designated driver all the time.

Sometime during my junior year I had the first thoughts regarding my stuttering and what was really going on below the surface. I got a taste of the iceberg — although I didn’t know about it at the time. And even though I got a taste, I didn’t do anything about it.

It goes like this: I realized that my driving — reckless or fast or otherwise — was causing people to talk about it. They’d think me, then they’d think of the driving. My subconscious had, for the past few years, been playing this little game. It found things to divert everybody’s attention. Sure, they seemed innocent or “just the way I was,” but really, they were all just a diversion. If people were talking about my driving, then they weren’t talking about my stutter.

I think for some people who stutter, they’re introverted to begin with. So they’re not doing other things to divert everybody’s attention. I’m not. So if I was going to be out there, out talking to friends, seeing new things and having new experiences, I’d dictate the terms. And what people would remember of me during those times.

A few years after college, I sat down to write more of my thoughts on this. And realized a lot of who I was had been set up by my crafty subconscious.

Stuttering in College Part 5

Back to reviewing my college experience. If you want to check out the first few parts, here are the links.

Before College

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

That covers things up to my sophomore year.

During freshman year, I had taken a University Honors College course in chemistry. And done poorly. Well, a B- anyway. Second semester I took regular chemistry. For whatever reason, I was determined to make this Honors College thing work. So for my sophomore year, I took an Honors physics course. Horrible, horrible idea.

This wasn’t some extension of high school physics. This was a deep dive into theory and fast paced. The guy who taught it had founded the Honors College. And here I was, lost in a class of more than a hundred students without anybody to go to for help. I had a pretty solid outing, but ended up getting Cs both semesters. The medical school dream was starting to wither away. A horrid showing in organic chemistry (and its lab) sort of sealed the deal. By the end of that first term, I was searching around for something else.

Since my dad had an engineering degree, he thought I should give that a go. So I signed up for some of the introductory engineering courses. Stuff like basic computer science and engineering analysis — lab stuff. Turns out that if you stutter, you really don’t like talking to people and finding out the exact course to take. I can figure this out on my own!

When I applied for graduation two years later, I found out that I had taken the introduction to computer science course — for computer science majors. That pretty much explained why it was so bloody difficult. I was told that there was a more basic one that all the engineering students took. Right. And remember, if you’re doing poorly in a course, it’s not somebody else’s fault — it’s yours. So figure it out!

My rampant foray into academic mediocrity aside, I was making great progress at the newspaper, though. I was still taking photos, writing the occasional news article, and doing sports as well. All of my friends were at the paper, and none were in whatever major I thought I was in. I spent a lot of hours there. That would definitely explain the deteriorating grades.

While I can’t remember a specific stuttering story from sophomore year, I think the transition from pre-med to engineering is a great example of how my stutter got in the way. I could have sat down and had a long conversation with a counselor, or professor, or fellow student on what courses to take. And in what order. But I didn’t. I did it the hard way. And I never did have that conversation! I was under the impression that I’m in college, so I should be able to figure stuff out on my own. Well, not really. There’s plenty of support systems out there, you just have to ask.

However, I don’t want any of you to think that I acted entirely in a vacuum. Oh no. You did have to have a sign-off from your counselor on courses. The one assigned to me was a really nice professor, but he was also very busy. And I don’t think he knew the exact order to take courses in. Or that some should be taken before others or whatever. For the entire time at Pitt, whenever I visited any professor (very rarely, mind you) I always felt like I was bothering them, that I was taking up their valuable time. That my stutter would drag things out, and things would just take way longer than they should. I felt the same about e-mails. I thought they’d think to themselves — ‘why can’t this guy figure it out on his own? He’s in college!’

Stacking and Stuttering

When I lived in Omaha, there was a used bookstore downtown that I used to go to all the time. I bought a book there — Next Man Up

It’s about a season with the Baltimore Ravens. Even if you’re not a Ravens fan (I’m definitely not) the book is a great glimpse into life in the NFL. One thing that really stood out to me was this (from a review):

Head Coach Brian Billick is one of the more interesting subjects. Blunt and hotheaded, he is also given to using pop psychology in his daily operations. He’s as comfortable using terms such as “stacking”—meaning letting one stressor pile on top of another until the whole stack just blows…

When I talked about ambushes last week, there’s really two parts of it. The first is that we should all try to slow things down and respond on our own terms. Yes, the whole room needs to hear your name. Yes, there’s a new person at lunch. Yes, there’s a new neighbor standing on your lawn. But the more we get ambushed, the better we get at it. We have to stop and think. We have to stop and breathe. Will we still stutter? Yeah, probably. But that’s where the second part — this stacking concept — comes in.

(Before I continue, let me just say that no, I’m not perfect at this. I’m trying hard just like everybody else who stutters. It’s not easy, and I don’t always remember to relax. Or breathe. But I have to keep trying.)

The way it works is this: Even if I go to a meeting and get ambushed, I can’t let that dictate my mood for the rest of the meeting. I have to push it aside as quickly as possible. Shutting down and being miserable isn’t going to make anything better. I need to forget it happened and move on. I need to tell myself that yes, I can talk to these people. I’m comfortable with all of them (except that one new guy) and if I’m asked a question, I can take my time to answer it. If I let my stutter continue to bother me, then every question I’m asked or comment I need to make will become a much bigger deal than it should be.

On the other hand, in the larger picture, maybe the rest of the meeting doesn’t go as well. Maybe I do stutter on some questions and comments. But then again, that shouldn’t affect my outlook at lunch. Or what I do when I get home.

Maybe before when I was ambushed I was not only bothered by the stutter, but by the fact that my covert stuttering “cover” was blown. Well, move on. The words have left your mouth (no matter how long it took) and so they know. But how you conduct yourself after that is still up to you.

Do I let my stutter get to me at times? Absolutely. Does it ruin a whole morning or day for me? Not as much. Maybe a morning or an afternoon, but the day can usually be saved. But keep in mind it took me a long time to get to this point.

I’m more aware now of what’s going on with my speech, and how it can be fluent and halting and totally unpredictable.

And the next morning, it all gets reset anyway, right?