Stuttering for Gifts

Since I was raised as a Muslim, we obviously didn’t celebrate Christmas. Which means I didn’t have to ask for gifts. Which, more importantly, meant I didn’t have to confront Santa at the mall and tell him what I wanted.

Now that I’m older and I see him at the mall, though, I think that had I been in that situation, I would have had to do a lot of research on a lot of toys — just to find one that I could reliably say. Because seriously, there’s a lot of pressure with Santa — mom’s got the camera, there’s a long line of rowdy kids, there are elves standing around bored, and there are people milling about at the mall trying to do their holiday shopping. Oh, and I have to pee.

No, wait. Thinking about it more, aren’t you supposed to give him a list? Yes! That’s perfect. Nevermind. I could just write down a list, and he’d have to read it out loud. And maybe if made it long enough, he couldn’t interrogate me about a specific item. You see, the problem with coveting just one big, magical toy is that Santa would probably ask you to justify it. Sorry buddy. I can send that in a separate e-mail maybe?

But what about the other way around? What about a stuttering Santa? Could you pull off that job if you stuttered? How does that work, anyway? Does Santa ask the kid, or does the kid just start blabbing away? I suppose with the crying babies you don’t have to say much. Then again, I don’t stutter too much around children anyway, so maybe I’d be fine.

Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone.

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